The Journey



In this life, I have found that I struggle.  I struggle in my journey to be the person that I want to be.

I change diets, lifestyles, exercise plans (or lack there of), I have quit smoking 3 times for significant amounts of time, but go back.  I have tried meditating, I have bought grown folk coloring books, I have written, I have sketched, I have painted. (Not my thing.  I suck at painting.)

I have had my hair super short, then grown it out super long.  I have now done this 5 times over 10 years.  I try and be super social and go out whenever asked and then get emotionally overwhelmed and need a week alone feeling worn out and used up.  Recharge my social battery so to speak.  I am truly an introvert who loves people and learned how to fake being a semi-extrovert.

I have changed jobs every two years 85% of my working life, which is 17 years.  I have not worked to stay at home with the kids and found myself bored.  I have started my own company and saw it grow and flourish.  I was active all day which is a miracle for someone with back issues and a thrice operated on hip. (I always wanted to use the word thrice.  I hope I did it justice.)  I also saw it ripped away at the hands of someone I cared about who I have cut totally from my life.  If being the daughter of a hardcore heroin addict teaches you anything, it is “Cut and Run.  Don’t look back.”  It takes me way too long to decide to detach from toxic relationships.  But when I do, I’m out never to return.

All of these things, all of these inner conflicts, the planning, the procrastination, the fear.  And truly after all of this it hit me this morning during my coffee on my front porch.

It’s all part of the Journey.  And that’s ok.  I think, that no matter how discombobulated my head is as long as I am always trying, experimenting, attempting to be better, then I am just fine.

Isn’t that just the most lovely thing you’ve ever heard.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS I don’t care if not one person reads this.  It brought me tears of joy to write.

I’m still here. Mad Hatter Free

Hola, my weary follower.  Assuming there are any anymore.  I only come here when I’m fed up with how I’ve steered my life and this is always a starting point.

How weird is that? It’s my own little purge.

And alas, here I am.  New job, exciting times.  Lost my business due to “Inability to handle toxic people.”  It was bad at the end.  But, I’m better for the experience.  And come to find out I can clean the hell out of a house.  And it keeps you in fantastic shape.

I really like my new job, and am excited about the possibilities of new things within this job.  I’m going on a cruise in March, I’m a cruise-n00b.  Never have I ever been on a cruise.  Never have I ever left these United States. I’v got “firsts” leaking out of my ears over here.

I will be writing again, I have a lot of ideas I have been jotting down.  Hard to sit down and write when your life is spinning around out of control like some sort of Non-Stop Tea Cup ride operated by the Mad Hatter at Disney.  It has been C R A Y.

But, I’m hoping things even out soon.  It feels as if they are, or at least the Mad Hatter is on his coffee break.  I’ll take either one.

Hope you (all) are well
As Always,


Woman on Pause