F*@K Google Maps

I mean it. I am never ever using that damned service again.  EVER.

What had happend was, I took my step kids back home this past Sunday.  They live on the outskirts of Orlando.  I know how to get to Orlando.  I-95 to I-4.  I have driven it 50 times.  I’ve got this.

But they live a bit outside of any area I have been in.  I put their address into Google maps and the way there was a breeze.  I made record time.  Two hours and twenty five minutes.  I was stoked.

In their driveway I put in my town’s name and I let it direct me out.

*I should add here, I am directionally challenged.  I would get lost in a brown paper bag if it weren’t for GPS.  I couldn’t tell you right now where North is.  When God gave that skill out I was too busy in the Sarcasm department to get mine.

This got me here, so this should get me home too right?


So, I start to follow the directions it gives me.  I had gone the back way to I-4 once before, the last time I dropped them off and ironically thought, “The scenic route out may be nice….”

I am turning here, turning there.  It is a pretty rural area, so I wasn’t too concerned until…


I entered Ocala National Forrest.  What the fuck.

I am pretty damned sure this isn’t where I am suppose to be.

No problem.  I wait to find a store to pull into and zoom out on my map to find out where Google Maps has sent me this time.

There is no store in the Ocala National Forrest.  FYI.

No where to stop.  Unless I pull over and I didn’t want to do that.  So I keep driving.

And driving.

And driving.

Finally I find that I am in an interesting little area called, Astor, FL.

I was born in Florida.  Lived and traveled here for no less than 33 years.  I have never EVER heard of ASTOR, FL.

Welcome to Astor!


Sure thing.  Whatever.  I am thinking, no worries, as long as I can check my phone.  I am at the one stop light I come across and try and switch to my map.

The phone dies.


It was plugged in, how can this be?!?!  And it gave me a weird, “Android System Screw you if you’re lost you have a system failure. Have fun with this shit.” message.

I keep driving thinking, well, I will keep it in the charger then re-boot it.

Twenty minutes later and I am officially freaked out.  I remembered it said to turn onto 115 before it died, so as I am frantically clicking the power button on my phone to no avail, I hit 115.  I turned right.  It said right, right??

I turn right.

Wait. I do know enough to know I should NOT be going SOUTH.


So I decide to turn around.

There is NO WHERE to turn around.

God is officially laughing his ass off at me right now.  I mean a good belly laugh.  Like, he can’t breathe and as asking me to please stop, the hilarity is too much to handle.


I find a place to turn around six or sixty miles later and do so.  I then go North.


Then my poor phone finally boots back up.

This little “Scenic route” detour has taken me an hour and a half.


The route in Red is what I ended up driving.  Other than getting onto 1-4 and onto 1-95.

What I found most interesting is when I finally found I-95 I was so relieved.

Then I got onto the highway.

Remember, this is the Sunday after Thanksgiving, going NORTH in FL.

Everyone from GA to Maine was visiting their retired relatives in FL for Thanksgiving and in turn heading home back North.

It went a little like this…



 photo tumblr_lrkdsx3iP81qmtzis.gif

So maybe Google Maps isn’t the biggest asshole program ever? Maybe it saved me from sitting on the Highway for 6 hours.

Nah, F*@k Google maps, it took me through a forest.  Serial killers live there.  Everyone knows that…

Oh, Happy Holidays.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS.  I am sure Astor is a lovely place.  But when I arrived I was more freaked out than Mel Gibson in a Synagogue.  I hope again to visit because they had this awesome flea market type thing with 80000 whirligigs in the front.  And I want to be where that many whirligigs live.

PPS.  This guys face.  LOVE!

Photo Credits:


The maps I got, ironically from Google Maps.  The artwork is mine.  See, I do research and work for these blogs.  I swear it.  😉

It is a Thanksgiving Miracle

I am typing this, not from the computer that throws up the blue screen of death every 7.5 minutes, but from a laptop my mother so graciously loaned me.

THANK YOU Baby Turkey.

I haven’t been able to write, blog, or do much of anything without constantly saving my work because it was going to die at any minute.  I have blogged here an there when it wasn’t being a temperamental little bitch.  But even then I was never sure when it was getting ready to be the blue screen of damnation and unsaved work.

This week has been a whirlwind of craziness anyway.   I let the boys stay home from school on Tuesday.  Something I have never ever done.  So I have been knee deep in children now for 5 days straight.  At one point there were 5 children here.  Ages, 17, 16, 13, 11 & 8.

I swear I have been feeding an army for 5 days.  They eat all of the things.  All of the time.

But it has been great to see family though.  I take my two step kids home tomorrow.  Three hour drive there, hopefully a three hour drive back.  Depends on how many fine folks I encounter when I am headed northbound on my return journey.

I will have my snacks, and my new Stephen King Audio Book, “Doctor Sleep” to keep me company so I am not too worried.  😉

I hope you all have had a wonderful Thanksgiving and be prepared to hear a lot more from me.


As Always,


Woman on Pause

Turkey Hangover

Today is the Monday after Thanksgiving.  All is quiet around the cubes.  I think people aren’t quite ready to go back into work mode. 


They aren’t alone.


I know I should be working, I know I have a deadline, I know too that if I don’t get my typing out I am useless as an employee.  So there. 


You could really disregard that entire conversation and just chock it up to the fact I am a horrible procrastinator.  Kinda.  I procrastinate on things I don’t want to do.  I know, “Duh”  But no really.  Hear me out.  I am doing work I can not stand.  Well, can not stand  is harsh.  I am doing work I am damned tired of doing.  I have been crunching numbers now for upwards of 15 years and it bores the hell out of me.   

That being said, when something new comes up I get filled with little green men who all scream, “Ooooooooh something NEW!” but I feel this way when I get a new gadget too, so I am not sure if that is strictly accounting excitement. 


I don’t know what I want to do.  I know one thing.  I know I should know by now .  But I don’t.  This just makes me feel even more so that I am here in this cube, on the 10th floor of a building, procrastinating, because God wants me somewhere else.  Where that may be, well I just don’t know yet. 


I know I like to write.  I know that I give kick ass advice.  I know that I enjoy being creative.  All these things considered I also know I have a family to provide for and drawing and writing all day will land us at the Mission within 2 months.  Ha, who am I fooling? 2 weeks.


So, to procrastinate today I have done the following;

  • Searched the vastness of the internet. 
  • I have taken a cigarette break. 
  • I have eaten pretzels. 
  • And now I have blogged. 

(Note: I am sick of the words Blog, Blogged, and especially Blogger. I am currently working on something funnier and sexier than this word.  All I have is Wype, Wyped, Wyper, Wyping.  Web + Typing.  Stand by for further word mashes that don’t remind people of using the toilet.)

So that means by the time you read this.  I will be organizing papers and searching for millions of dollars of funds that are mixed about this place and that.  You like how I don’t even use my own professions terms?  That is how over it I am.  But then again if I started, “Profit and loss, beginning balance, supplier payable, vouchers, receivables, blah blah blah, I would go down to -4 viewers.  Very similar to my credit score.


My wish if I were to have one this Christmas, would be to find out what I want to do.  I am 33.  It is time.  If I am shunned once again by Santa, you will still have these whiney somewhat sarcastic word vomit blogs to feast upon.  So I suppose even if Santa’s fat ass can’t squeeze out one thing, one wish (God knows I was shunned by the Holly Hobby Tea set incident of 1984) you guys are stuck with me here. 


I’m ok with that for now.  Because with me and you, fake non-existent audience, we can procrastinate till Easter.   

Because that is a goal.



A Hat for all of your Thanksgiving Needs



Woman on Pause

aka- Not the woman in the weird turkey knitted hat.