The Journey



In this life, I have found that I struggle.  I struggle in my journey to be the person that I want to be.

I change diets, lifestyles, exercise plans (or lack there of), I have quit smoking 3 times for significant amounts of time, but go back.  I have tried meditating, I have bought grown folk coloring books, I have written, I have sketched, I have painted. (Not my thing.  I suck at painting.)

I have had my hair super short, then grown it out super long.  I have now done this 5 times over 10 years.  I try and be super social and go out whenever asked and then get emotionally overwhelmed and need a week alone feeling worn out and used up.  Recharge my social battery so to speak.  I am truly an introvert who loves people and learned how to fake being a semi-extrovert.

I have changed jobs every two years 85% of my working life, which is 17 years.  I have not worked to stay at home with the kids and found myself bored.  I have started my own company and saw it grow and flourish.  I was active all day which is a miracle for someone with back issues and a thrice operated on hip. (I always wanted to use the word thrice.  I hope I did it justice.)  I also saw it ripped away at the hands of someone I cared about who I have cut totally from my life.  If being the daughter of a hardcore heroin addict teaches you anything, it is “Cut and Run.  Don’t look back.”  It takes me way too long to decide to detach from toxic relationships.  But when I do, I’m out never to return.

All of these things, all of these inner conflicts, the planning, the procrastination, the fear.  And truly after all of this it hit me this morning during my coffee on my front porch.

It’s all part of the Journey.  And that’s ok.  I think, that no matter how discombobulated my head is as long as I am always trying, experimenting, attempting to be better, then I am just fine.

Isn’t that just the most lovely thing you’ve ever heard.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS I don’t care if not one person reads this.  It brought me tears of joy to write.

The Struggle Is Real

I am struggling creatively.

It isn’t writers block.  That is when you want to write but have nothing to put down.  I want to write, have ideas, but can’t seem to consistently sit down and put words down.  It is like I am being a total brat.

To myself.


I am pretty sure this is a form of procrastination.  I am SURE I have covered procrastination in the past.  But this one…  It is bugging me.  I feel an internal struggle.  And I am not sure with what.  Is it me?  Is life making it to where I am too distracted and crazed to get the words down?  Maybe.

Or maybe I shouldn’t write.

I have wanted to write since I was a Senior in High School.  I have dabbled and then became very serious and became published (online) and was on a hot streak!  Then ever since then…


I have started thirty short stories.  I didn’t finish a one.  I have a great idea for a  novella but can’t seem to put it together.  I want to do the NaNoWriMo but I am worried I will quit a week in and be disappointed in myself all over again.

What in the hell is wrong with me?

That being said, there has to be a reason I haven’t quit.


I’m gonna go contemplate that for a bit.  I will leave you with this.  Something I saw on Facebook.  One of those things people put up all of the time.  A picture of words meant to inspire.  I hate those. But this one resonated with me.  Even two weeks after I saw it.  So, I am sharing it with you.

I am so sorry to its originator.  I have no idea who to credit here.

But I love it.

Be who

As always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit:

Baby’s in Reno with the Vitamin D

The title of this post is from Beck’s “Loser.”  A song I can sing by heart with no music prompt.  But it also has absolutely nothing to do with this post.

It does oddly represent the scatterbrainedness of which I find myself chest deep in.  <—That may be the worst sentence I have ever written.  But who am I to mess with these things?

Confused yet?

Yeah me too.  I have been so neglectful of my wonderful little corner of the internet (this blog).  And it has been on my mind quite a bit.  So now that we are done with Thanksgiving and my house is back to a normal roar instead of the roar that comes from 4 more kids and 2 more adults, I am getting back into the swing of things.

So much so, that I downloaded a text book for a fictional writing course.  And I am already through the first chapter and (hold on to your seats folks) am half way through the first exercise.

Now, I know what you might be thinking.  Why didn’t she finish the exercise?  Well, that is because I don’t ever seem to finish anything.  It is super hard for me to finish my fiction pieces.  And I have no idea why.  So then I tend to procrastinate out of fear I won’t finish.  Which essentially  is also not finishing.  Do you all see the dilemma here?


The photo above is so full of truth….

But, the good news is, I am not getting up from this desk until I finish it.  So, if someone finds my body half eaten by cats, weeks from now, know that I had the resolve to finish just not the words.

Hope all of you are doing well and had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit:

Why is AutoCorrect Juding Me?

I was starting this post and took a picture of something I wanted to include here.  And when emailing it to myself, I tried to put on a title, which after some working was going to be the title of this blog.  The word I was trying to type was “Procrastination.”

It auto corrected to “Procrastinator.”

I looked down and literally thought, “Who the hell are YOU calling a procrastinator?”

Oh yeah.


Ok, it may have a point.

I recently reblogged a post containing a video about Writers Block.  Loved it.  Hence the rebloggage.

And when faced with a bit of time to myself yesterday, even if I was dog tired, I was going to write!  Yay, good job, you are friggin awesome!

Wait, let’s check facebook first.

What is this?  A friend posted a picture of a book that her and her kids were going to start working on.

It is called ZenTangle.

What is this?  Oooooooooh look a SHINY OBJECT!!!!!!


So I googled it.  And then I got all interested.  AKA doing anything ANYTHING to not write.  Do I have a deadline?  No.  Is this my job?  No.


I dunno.  But I am working on it.

In the meantime,



Zentangle folks.

That is what I did instead of writing.

Today, I am a Googling Doodle Goddess.

Say that three times fast.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit:

The other one is mine.  😀


I have been blogging here and there because I am a brat in my own head.

Bear with me here.

I have been Gung Ho about blogging for several months now.  I took about ten days off when my step son was here because, well, social media and minecraft.

I was all super stoked to GET BACK TO IT.  And then I didn’t.  I did, but I really didn’t.

The last post, I felt like I had to drag it out of me.

It felt forced.  NOT COOL.

I do this all the time.  I get so excited about something and start it, then never finish it.  I think it is because I am scared I will fail.  I procrastinate, then fail.  Then I know I am right.

Yes, I recognize the insanity here.

I want to put up an old 90’s Nike poster with the Swoosh on it and the “JUST DO IT” mantra.  So every time I hesitate then over think it, then procrastinate, then panic, I can just bypass the entire icky circle.

Then this reminded me of a woman the hubs and I saw once at the Monster Truck show with the boys.  (PS, excellent people watching fodder here. EXCELLENT)

She had a nice body, seemed to work out, but the rest was a hot ass mess.  Hair, face, etc.  She was on Meth.  She couldn’t stop from moving around, she was climbing everywhere and kinda humping stuff.  It was just weird.

But during her little meth dance she bent over and I saw she had a tramp stamp of that swoosh, and the “Just Do It” across the top of her ass.

Um.  Does that mean you want someone to “Just Do It” in your butt?  I know that sounds crude, but that was the EXACT thing I thought.  I hope she has received the help she needs, and hopefully some sort of coupon for tattoo removal.  ((Shudder))

*Please note, I have tattoos, even one in the same area.  I judge ye not on the ink, but do judge when you are telling the world to do it in your butt.  Because that’s private y’all.

So, we have come full circle, and I will try and get my head out of my ass and keep on keepin on.  And try not to be such a brat.  To myself.  Because that makes no damned sense.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS.  Holy crap, no pictures!!!  Did you all get to the bottom?  I prefer blogs with pictures.  But frankly, I think the mental pictures are enough.

You’re Welcome.

Procrastinators meet every other, whenever

I am actually completing a blog from 2010 today.  I did a “10 Things I Hate” blog, actually chopped it into two posts and still never got around to #9 and #10.

I think a three year procrastination deserves some sort of award.  Or medal, or something.  That has to be a record. Oh wait, there’s my crown…

This is SO me.

So, without further ado,

#9 – Bra’s
Sorry fellas, even though feel free to chime in with your issues with the over the shoulder boulder holder as well.  Why does it take a nuclear physicist to find me the right bra size?  For that matter why can’t I find MY correct bra size???  I buy a bra that seems to fit, bring it home.  The next day by 10 a.m. I realize there is a metal spike in my back that is determined to carve out, “HELP ME” in tiny scrapes.

My old bra broke that actually did all the things I need my bra to do.  (This was not out of constant use and abuse just about every work day for three years.  Nope, not the reason.)

I had to use a pretty, lace, scratchy, push up bra.  I took it off tonight and BAM, I have craters in my shoulders.  Valleys where the straps dug into me like they were pannin for gold.  Ugggh, time to go bra shopping.

Mmm Hmm

Mmm Hmm

#10 – Can you believe I got nothin?  I have squat.  

Wait for it.  Writers block!  That’s it.  No, I am not just trying to fill space, I swear it just came to me as I was typing it out.  I have also noticed recently that I can’t remember things as well as I used to.  Not, in a severe, lets jaunt over to the Neurologist forgetting, but that old adage about walking into a room and forgetting why.  That has been me lately.  Writer’s Block and the attention span of a gnat. Two for the price of one.

Sounds to me like an excuse for a vacation.  Clear the mind.  Then we can all laugh along here when all the goo falls out on future posts.


Truth. It’s what’s for dinner.

One more,


Ha! God I miss these comics.

As always,

Woman on Pause

Turkey Hangover

Today is the Monday after Thanksgiving.  All is quiet around the cubes.  I think people aren’t quite ready to go back into work mode. 


They aren’t alone.


I know I should be working, I know I have a deadline, I know too that if I don’t get my typing out I am useless as an employee.  So there. 


You could really disregard that entire conversation and just chock it up to the fact I am a horrible procrastinator.  Kinda.  I procrastinate on things I don’t want to do.  I know, “Duh”  But no really.  Hear me out.  I am doing work I can not stand.  Well, can not stand  is harsh.  I am doing work I am damned tired of doing.  I have been crunching numbers now for upwards of 15 years and it bores the hell out of me.   

That being said, when something new comes up I get filled with little green men who all scream, “Ooooooooh something NEW!” but I feel this way when I get a new gadget too, so I am not sure if that is strictly accounting excitement. 


I don’t know what I want to do.  I know one thing.  I know I should know by now .  But I don’t.  This just makes me feel even more so that I am here in this cube, on the 10th floor of a building, procrastinating, because God wants me somewhere else.  Where that may be, well I just don’t know yet. 


I know I like to write.  I know that I give kick ass advice.  I know that I enjoy being creative.  All these things considered I also know I have a family to provide for and drawing and writing all day will land us at the Mission within 2 months.  Ha, who am I fooling? 2 weeks.


So, to procrastinate today I have done the following;

  • Searched the vastness of the internet. 
  • I have taken a cigarette break. 
  • I have eaten pretzels. 
  • And now I have blogged. 

(Note: I am sick of the words Blog, Blogged, and especially Blogger. I am currently working on something funnier and sexier than this word.  All I have is Wype, Wyped, Wyper, Wyping.  Web + Typing.  Stand by for further word mashes that don’t remind people of using the toilet.)

So that means by the time you read this.  I will be organizing papers and searching for millions of dollars of funds that are mixed about this place and that.  You like how I don’t even use my own professions terms?  That is how over it I am.  But then again if I started, “Profit and loss, beginning balance, supplier payable, vouchers, receivables, blah blah blah, I would go down to -4 viewers.  Very similar to my credit score.


My wish if I were to have one this Christmas, would be to find out what I want to do.  I am 33.  It is time.  If I am shunned once again by Santa, you will still have these whiney somewhat sarcastic word vomit blogs to feast upon.  So I suppose even if Santa’s fat ass can’t squeeze out one thing, one wish (God knows I was shunned by the Holly Hobby Tea set incident of 1984) you guys are stuck with me here. 


I’m ok with that for now.  Because with me and you, fake non-existent audience, we can procrastinate till Easter.   

Because that is a goal.



A Hat for all of your Thanksgiving Needs



Woman on Pause

aka- Not the woman in the weird turkey knitted hat.