What I Do

I have been a stay at home mom now for about a year and four months.

I was a single working mother for 6 years.  I did it all.  I commuted, worked 40+ hours, was a single mom, and for a portion of that time attended school.  I resented the hell out of stay at home mom’s during this time.  I can admit it.  I was so jealous of anyone who could bypass the time constraints put on working folk.  Maybe more jealous than resentful but maybe a mix of both.  I felt so helpless and worn out most of the time I just assumed that a married mom staying at home has it easier.

That is true.

It is easier.  But it isn’t easy.  That part I wasn’t prepared for.  It is funny how the grass is greener effect takes hold when you feel that anything but what you are doing must be easier.

But I have come to realize, I bust my ass.  It may not be in the way that some see as difficult, but to me it is challenging.

SAHM

This was my schedule yesterday.

5:20am – Wake up and make breakfast for my husband and make sure he has what he needs for a grueling 12 hour day in a factory. Feed and water both cats so they stop screaming the song of their people at me.
6:00am – Wake up my 9 year old and get him breakfast, make sure his backpack is good, etc.
6:45am – Walk him to the bus stop.  Get completely eaten by mosquitoes.
7:00am – Wake up my 12 year old.  Repeat above process but with added bonus eye rolls.
7:30am – Make grocery list, coupon, coupon, coupon COUPON
7:40am – Start laundry
7:50am – Clean kitchen start dishwasher
8:00am – Leave to go grocery shopping. (Which is glorious to do alone btw)
9:45am – Come home and put up trunk full of groceries.  Drop at least one bunch of bananas, crush the bread, and dent 2.5 cans.
10:00am – Clean out refrigerator. Try not to hurl.
10:30am – Start another load of laundry.  WHERE DOES IT ALL COME FROM?!?!?
11:00am – Put up first load of laundry.
11:05am – Make note to threaten all video games if the boys don’t stop using 45 towels a week.
11:15am – Make the bed, pick up clothes, straighten bathroom.  Spend 15 minutes looking for toothpaste cap. Which I found in the medicine cabinet on top of the Visine???
11:30am – Have I eaten yet?!?!?  Fiber One bar and slice of imitation cheese to the rescue. Awesome has a diet.  This is it.
12:00pm – Put up 2nd load of laundry
12:15pm – Start 3rd load of laundry.  Remind self to threaten boys with ALL.THE.THINGS about towel use.  What are they doing with them all????
1:00pm – Put up dishes and clean the kitchen.
1:20pm – Dusted entire house.  Which means push cat hair from one area to another.  I call it “reorganizing”
1:30pm – Made the bed.
1:45pm – Played with my cat.
2:00pm – Yogurt break while making sweet tea.
2:45pm – 9 year old walks in time for an hour of homework help, checking, organizing, signing papers, reviewing 12 leaflets brought home. Hear a 25 minute diatribe about how the kid in front of him in lunch had something I didn’t get at the grocery store but would be great if I kept it in mind for my next trip (which is inevitably in 2 days)
3:00pm – Start dinner.
4:00pm – 12 year old walks in from school, repeat 60 minutes of homework, organizing, checking, following up. Try not to curse the creator of Common Core to hellfire and damnation.
4:20pm – Desperately try and cool dinner to put in the fridge to eat after football practice.
5:00pm – Leave for 9 year old football practice.  Spend 3 hours sweating and being invaded by bugs trying not to yell when he feigns injury to take a water break (22 times).
8:00pm – Break out dinner and try to arrange it so it doesn’t taste like reheated crap.
8:15pm – “Can I have seconds?”  “Can I have more biscuits?” “Are we out of honey??” “Can I have dessert??”
8:17pm – Pull back my hair as not to pull it out and traumatize impressionable children.
8:30pm – Put 9 year old to bed after reading and prayers.
8:32pm – Ask12 year old to clean the kitchen before I set it on fire just to not look at another dirty dish.
8:37pm – TELL 12 year old to get on cleaning the kitchen
8:45pm – BEG 12 year old to just FINISH already.  (Try not to think that had I done it myself it would be done.)
8:46pm – Hear from my 12 year old how EVERYONE has a girlfriend in school and he has decided it is TIME for him to get one too.  Spend 25 minutes explaining that it will come in good time.  And he doesn’t want to push something that isn’t going to happen on its own.  (And not be the kid who makes up a girlfriend like his friend down the road.  No one wants to be “That guy.”)
9:00pm – Start meal preparation for husbands meals he takes to work. (Separate as he is on a no carb thing)
9:15pm – Get 12 year old to bed, remind him for the 8,544th time that there are no video games during the week and please stop asking.
9:30pm – WINE
9:40pm – Catch up with my Husband.
9:41pm – Try not to bitch about my day because he works 12 hours a day doing manual labor in a factory.  My argument is invalid.
—-That being said, he listens when I can’t help it and tells me it sounded like a crap day and he totally understands.  He is the junk.  If I haven’t mentioned it already.
10:45pm – Shower
11:0zzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Not every day is like this.  But on average 4 out of 7 are like this.  The other days are more like this…

Pretty

And while this will sound strange, I never ever get a day off.  Never.  Literally not one 24 hour period where I wasn’t tending to someone since my hip surgery in April. That being said, I think it is a good trade.  Trying to work and do all of this I might get a day here and there, but it is totally worth it.  🙂

This journey of staying at home has been very enlightening for me.  I take what I do seriously.  Whether it is a multi million dollar account at work, college, or just taking care of my family.  I work and I work hard.

And come to find out, hard work is hard work.  No matter where you are doing it.

Viva la SAHM!

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0f/32/02/0f320261967e7cb9b45a737eb989fc04.jpg.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-3rzfaOqD3oI/UTI8evuJSWI/AAAAAAAANYU/9kCyqMUSJSE/s1600/a74ac2be035dd0103362a1f49094d39f.jpg.

Quid Pro NOPE

My sons are respectively almost 12 and almost 9.

We have dealt with a lot of things, mostly normal things with the boys.  Custody issues with ex’s, bad conduct, anger management, girl talk, you  name it, we have come across it and I know I felt all of it coming and it seemed totally natural.

Then yesterday happened.

Short story long, my almost 12 year old came home and immediately wanted to go outside with his friends.  But Mom doth protest.  You have a room to clean, homework to do.  He was so antsy with everything.  Rushing through all of it, and in turn jacking it all up.

I am hands on hips, wagging the finger, you have to do your work first.  You promised to do your room two days ago.  You have to master Mixed fraction division, even if your Math teacher Doesn’t check your homework.

Normal mom crap.

We keep moving along our afternoon getting ready to go to my almost 9 year old’s foot ball practice. I am trying to pre-make dinner, my husband is working on his truck, my youngest is reading, some kid comes to the door asking for my 12 year old.  I tell him he will probably be out in about a half hour.

Then, instead of go outside and play he decides he wants to come with me to football practice.

Ok.

Then as we are walking to the field, and my  youngest has ran to his team my oldest starts to cry.  Spilling that he was late from the bus because this kid wants to fight him.  He said that he defended a friend on the bus and the guy was all, well your mom is fat and ugly and “Has sex with girls.”  He is sobbing because he doesn’t want me or my husband, his stepdad, to freak out because he knows we don’t roll with disrespect.

I let him know it is quite different when our KIDS disrespect us, I am not worried about some punk ass 13 year old, and let him know I could care less what he says about me, and that the kid is clearly trying to get under his skin.

Then he cries and says because he didn’t show up for the fight, everyone is going to call him a chicken.  Oh and he cries and says you can’t snitch on me.  If the kids find out I am a snitch it gets 100 times worse.

Oh, and the kid at the door, is the one who wants to kick my kids ass.

Never seen him, assumed he was a friend from the neighborhood.

This kid has balls.

Came to the house. (Insert Indignation here)

“Excuse me maam, Lovely day we are having.  Could I bother you to have your son come out here so I can partake in fisticuffs with him today? Thanks so much, and enjoy your evening.”

Well great.  Then the moms at the ballpark who live in the neighborhood tell me this kid has hit broken limbs of other kids, rubbed gum in their hair, fights constantly, and spits random items onto girls. And his parents make excuses when confronted and aren’t concerned with what he is doing the three hours every day he is kicked out of his house to roam our neighborhood looking for his next victim.

So.  I can’t call the school, because if I do then I have proven the snitch theory.  I can’t protect him because he is in middle school, and that to him would be more devastating than if he got into the actual fight.  I offer to take him to school the next day.

“No.”  I have to do this.

So.  Here I am.  I know what happens next.  But I also know I probably didn’t do the most popular thing.

What would YOU do?

By the way, the entire time all this is happening I am freaking out internally.

MY BABY BOY IS NOT GOING TO FIGHT HE IS 3 YEARS OLD IN MY MIND AND I CAN’T HANDLE THIS.  Nope.  No.  NOOOOOO……….

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As Always,

Woman on Pause

Gif Credits:
http://pandawhale.com/post/25055/no-nope-disapproval-scream-gif

All is not lost…

But my computer has been a total buzz kill for blogging.  We HAVE got to go and get it fixed.  Blue screen of death and I are like *this*

And my ipad took a bath the other night.  Literally

Image

(((SOBS)))

It was old, but it was mine.  *Sniff*

Anywho, I am going to try a new way out to get my posts out. 

I hope to start THAT journey tomorrow.

Kids are back in school, and I am so thrilled I might have an our or two a day to get some posts out and get some writing done.  And frankly I have missed everyone’s posts as well.  JONESING for my peeps.

Deep Breath…

I hope this post finds you allllll well.

 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credit:  http://phonerpt.com/wp-content/uploads/Seal-Shield-iPhone-iPad-waterproof-case.jpg

Looking for Me

This journey that I have descended on, the one where I stay at home with the kids is coming to an end.

The boys are going back to school in 5 days.

My step kids are back with their mom and doing their thing to get ready for school in 15 days.  We will not see them again until Christmas.  If we are lucky.

This journey has taught me a lot about myself.

1. I have expectations for situations that are unreachable.
– I tried to do all the things with the kids.
– This was impossible.
– We did lots, but not nearly what I had hoped to accomplish.
– Life gets in the way of the best laid plans.

Now that the summer, for us, is coming to a close it is time for me to take stock and figure out what it is that I am going to do.

I know that I want and am going to write.

But this entire scenario was wrapped in the assumption that I was going to figure out what I wanted to do professionally.

Go back to school, find a better job, achieve my dream.

Snafoo.

I don’t know what my professional dream is.

I have worked behind a desk since June 7th 1995 which was the Monday after my graduation from High School.  I moved up through the ranks to reach managerial status, and a decent salary to see it snipped away by a downgrading economy and bad circumstance.

But, I am not sure that is even what I wanted to do.

I did it out of necessity being a single mother.

YOU do what you have to do to get by.

Finance and Accounting isn’t stripping, but it was what I could and did do to make sure i could survive.

But what do I WANT to do?

I have no clue.

The really serious part of this journey is creeping up on me faster than I would like.

I have 6 hours per day 5 days a week to get my shit together and make a plan.

*Sigh*

Why does it seem easier when I did what I HAD to do?

Why are the options harder?

Tis the journey of life.

Wish me luck.

In the meantime, I am going to post my short stories to “Woman on Writing.”

I will still blog here.  But that is where my stories will be told.

I hope to see you there.  In the mean time, wish me luck.

Cause I’m gonna need it.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

For the Love

OF ALL THAT IS DECENT AND HOLY.  I  have been trying to post over and over and over again.

I tried to post the other day about how I had driven 932 miles in 10 days doing the “Prisoner Exchange.”  We really say it jokingly and lovingly about taking the kids to their parents/families.  But I have logged some serious miles recently.

But every time I try and type *Just saved Draft* something goes wrong.

The eaten post is there, but half finished.  No clue why, I saw it post correctly.

I tried today, and started to type, and the computer shut down.  (This poor thing is on its last legs.  Like begging to be shot, all jacked up, please put it out of its misery shot.)

I tried again after I booted BACK up from “Start Windows Normally” and then the power went out.

I then screamed obscenities at said computer and the daily, crazy, lightning storms we have been getting.

Then I tried again.

*Saving Draft*

And I don’t remember what it was I was going to say.

Oh yeah, it is a countdown.  Not the Final Countdown, the icky song by Europe.  But a countdown none the less.

The kids are back to school August 8th.

But that day doesn’t count.  Half day.

August 9th, will be the day.

I sit in a coma and watch “Lost” for the 6 hours I have to MYSELF.  JUST MEEEEEE.

Then August 10th and 11th, is the weekend.

But then THEN….

August 12th.  The day it all begins.

*Saving Draft*

Not only my Birthday,

But the day I start writing again.

I have 6 hours a day.  If I can spend at least three hours a day on writing every day, 5 days a week, I might be able to find out if this is something I can do.

And I have been looking forward to that more than you all will ever know.

Hope all of you are well and enjoying your summer.  If this computer doesn’t die on me, I will be back soon.  On to 3.5 hour football practice.

yay.

*Saving Draft*

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Hurt.

My son has been with his dad, aka his grandparents, because his dad still lives at home for the last week.  He went to church camp.  The same church his grandmother works for.

His dad called me today to inform me that my son has been saved and Baptized.  Without his or my knowledge.

He is fine with it and proud that he made the choice.

He is 11.

Baptism is a big deal in the Christian faith.  It is defined as:

Water Baptism is an act of obedience for the believer. It should be preceded by repentance, which simply means “change.” It is turning from our sin and selfishness to serve the Lord. It means placing our pride, our past and all of our possessions before the Lord. It is giving the control of our lives over to Him. http://christianity.about.com/od/faqhelpdesk/f/whatisbaptism.htm

I am not here to discuss religion.  Truly.

I am writing this because I am so heartbroken that the church didn’t consult with me or him.  This is a big deal.  It is a HUGE deal.  And at 11 they allowed him to do it without my permission or counsel. And I feel my rights as a parent have been trampled on.

And really, I am heartbroken I missed it.

I love the fact that my son is entering into religion but to bypass our right to talk to him or to be there is just killing me.

I believe the grandmother knew.  She claimed she didn’t and told him not to, but he did it anyway.  I don’t buy it.  He had to bring swim trunks (Full submersion baptism).  And I am pretty sure they  needed consent.  Which she claims she didn’t give.  She said “I didn’t even turn in his card.” Maybe she didn’t.  It really doesn’t matter now.

But this is the family that threw us a wedding reception and didn’t invite my family.  Not even my mom.

This is the woman who saw me and my mom at my sons baseball game last week and spoke to me, but didn’t even acknowledge my mom.

I am salty as hell, and at this point have a call into the church.

I am all for kids finding their way to God or what religion they find themselves.  I am all about spiritual paths.  I wouldn’t stop him from being saved or Baptized but I would sit down and ask him why he wanted to, and explain what it meant.

And I would have loved to have seen it.

But I was denied that.

Angry,

 

Woman on Pause

WeCation

Yep, Hubs and I took a Wee Staycation.  AKA a small vacation where we never left our 50 mile radius.  The kids are off far and wide, grandparents, dad’s, etc. etc.

We didn’t do much.

And it was GLORIOUS.

We hit the beach, a beachside bar for lunch, had oysters, just did what grown folk do.

And I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeded that. 

Bad.

I don’t see him much with his job.  And when I do, he is waking up to go back to work and there are kids all over the place.

So, now that this staycation is coming to a close, we are about to have 4 kids in the house as of Sunday. 

How does one cook for 6 people for 10 days.

Hmm?

Tips.  Taaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppssssss, pls.

Because I am about to make a 55 gallon drum of spaghetti and call it a day.

Super MOM! 

Hope all has been well my friends.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Who needs a Bra anyway?

I am now about a month into staying at home, versus working. 

A recap.  I have worked my entire life.  Literally.  Family business = no child labor laws.  I was working a cash register on a step stool at 9.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t factory work, but I have just always worked. 

Now I don’t.

And it is weird.

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Seriously, I just put on my bra.  10:35am. 

I want to do all the things with the kids.  But I have found this is unrealistic.  I had 1,224,736 things planned for this summer.

We have done two. 

But that being said, we have been quite busy.

I just helped throw a baby shower and I actually made this.

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I couldn’t find the letters at the craft store, so I printed out the template, cut it out, and then cut out the letters.

I told her next time she has a kid, It will be named, “Joe.”

I also made 10lbs of those meatballs in grape jelly and bbq sauce, SO GOOD.  I even did fondue. 

This week, I really hope to be able to start the summer.  Not this running around thing that we seem to do every day.  As in preparing to run, running, laying down after running. 

Since I never know what day of the week it is anymore, I am going to hope that the Summer I envisioned starts around July 4th. 

I may need to set my phone to remind me.  And to remind me to put on my bra. 

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As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits
http://redtri.com/atlanta/mom-memes-that-will-crack-you-up/
Baby shower – Mine!
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/stay-at-home-mom-what-people-think-i-do-620×250.jpg

Go Funk Yourself

SAH Log Day 28
(Stay at Home)

I have been in a funk.  For a few reasons.  None more prevalent than the fact I am in pain.  If you are new to this revelation, let me give you a summary.

  • Car Wreck 2007 – Wrecked my Hip
  • Exploratory surgery 2009, removed mass, put in anchor, 2 tears in this area.

ans7_labrum

  • Another surgery 2011 when the first one didn’t make a damned bit of difference.
  • Current – 8 cm of my squish shock bearing labrum is gone.  Bone on bone.
  • Have to get another surgery to inject cartilage.  When ever I have a chance to get a home nurse because no one else can help with eight weeks no weight bearing. – yeah because that shit is going to happen, at the end of NEVER.
  • If the above doesn’t work, hip replacement.

I take nothing but motrin for this.  Nothing else.  I was on pain medication prior to my last surgery.  Decided I couldn’t keep taking it, because what is the point.  So been 2 years since any pain medication intervention.   So I hurt a lot.  And I limp.

Funk Reason #2 I have had a bit of a hard time assimilating to this new role I have.

While I should be just all giddy and thrilled I am not working and spending time with the boys, I wasn’t aware that I was going to become a Kid Bitch.

It isn’t pretty, but it is true.  But not their fault.  Mine.

I had these awesome, pinterest pinned ideas about how we would spend this summer.  As an unknown, I just assumed.

You know what happens when you assume.

I have been a kid runner.  I had so many things I wanted to do, so many things I wanted to accomplish, and I feel I have done none of these, nor lived up to my vision or what I assume others vision of what I would be doing.

Football, Baseball, Basketball camp, sleepovers, Nana’s, beach, pool, kids wanting to visit friends, mandatory family outings, grocery store, laundry, Three meals a day, house cleaning, running, running, running.

Something, lots of things.  Every.damned.day. I know none of this sounds bad, but this is ALL I HAVE DONE.

I finally took an hour to get a pedicure last Thursday.  In the first 10 minutes I get a call.

“I need my bat bag.  It is in your car.”

The rest doesn’t matter.  I couldn’t even get 10 minutes. Not 10 minutes in 20 solid days.

Needless to say, it all started to get to me.

Then I spoke to my hubs.  Who is not perfect, but by far my saving grace and biggest cheer leader.  The one.

He reminded me *I* am important too.
I owe no one.
I can’t do it all.
I am a good mom.
I am a good wife.
I am CEO of this house and I need to run it to benefit me too.
He is only worried about my happiness.

And I felt better.

All of my other woes will be sorted out one way or the other.  But I finally had a paradigm shift.

I Can’t Do It All.

And that is ok.

Sometimes life just isn’t perfect.  But what is?

As always,

Woman on Pause.

PS.  Sorry for the rant, but this was one of the exact reasons I started to blog again.  A diary of sorts.  A timeline of recovery and discovery.

Photo Credit. http://www.mayoclinic.com/images/image_popup/ans7_labrum.jpg