In this life, I have found that I struggle. I struggle in my journey to be the person that I want to be.
I change diets, lifestyles, exercise plans (or lack there of), I have quit smoking 3 times for significant amounts of time, but go back. I have tried meditating, I have bought grown folk coloring books, I have written, I have sketched, I have painted. (Not my thing. I suck at painting.)
I have had my hair super short, then grown it out super long. I have now done this 5 times over 10 years. I try and be super social and go out whenever asked and then get emotionally overwhelmed and need a week alone feeling worn out and used up. Recharge my social battery so to speak. I am truly an introvert who loves people and learned how to fake being a semi-extrovert.
I have changed jobs every two years 85% of my working life, which is 17 years. I have not worked to stay at home with the kids and found myself bored. I have started my own company and saw it grow and flourish. I was active all day which is a miracle for someone with back issues and a thrice operated on hip. (I always wanted to use the word thrice. I hope I did it justice.) I also saw it ripped away at the hands of someone I cared about who I have cut totally from my life. If being the daughter of a hardcore heroin addict teaches you anything, it is “Cut and Run. Don’t look back.” It takes me way too long to decide to detach from toxic relationships. But when I do, I’m out never to return.
All of these things, all of these inner conflicts, the planning, the procrastination, the fear. And truly after all of this it hit me this morning during my coffee on my front porch.
It’s all part of the Journey. And that’s ok. I think, that no matter how discombobulated my head is as long as I am always trying, experimenting, attempting to be better, then I am just fine.
Isn’t that just the most lovely thing you’ve ever heard.
Woman on Pause
PS I don’t care if not one person reads this. It brought me tears of joy to write.