F*@K Google Maps

I mean it. I am never ever using that damned service again.  EVER.

What had happend was, I took my step kids back home this past Sunday.  They live on the outskirts of Orlando.  I know how to get to Orlando.  I-95 to I-4.  I have driven it 50 times.  I’ve got this.

But they live a bit outside of any area I have been in.  I put their address into Google maps and the way there was a breeze.  I made record time.  Two hours and twenty five minutes.  I was stoked.

In their driveway I put in my town’s name and I let it direct me out.

*I should add here, I am directionally challenged.  I would get lost in a brown paper bag if it weren’t for GPS.  I couldn’t tell you right now where North is.  When God gave that skill out I was too busy in the Sarcasm department to get mine.

This got me here, so this should get me home too right?


So, I start to follow the directions it gives me.  I had gone the back way to I-4 once before, the last time I dropped them off and ironically thought, “The scenic route out may be nice….”

I am turning here, turning there.  It is a pretty rural area, so I wasn’t too concerned until…


I entered Ocala National Forrest.  What the fuck.

I am pretty damned sure this isn’t where I am suppose to be.

No problem.  I wait to find a store to pull into and zoom out on my map to find out where Google Maps has sent me this time.

There is no store in the Ocala National Forrest.  FYI.

No where to stop.  Unless I pull over and I didn’t want to do that.  So I keep driving.

And driving.

And driving.

Finally I find that I am in an interesting little area called, Astor, FL.

I was born in Florida.  Lived and traveled here for no less than 33 years.  I have never EVER heard of ASTOR, FL.

Welcome to Astor!


Sure thing.  Whatever.  I am thinking, no worries, as long as I can check my phone.  I am at the one stop light I come across and try and switch to my map.

The phone dies.


It was plugged in, how can this be?!?!  And it gave me a weird, “Android System Screw you if you’re lost you have a system failure. Have fun with this shit.” message.

I keep driving thinking, well, I will keep it in the charger then re-boot it.

Twenty minutes later and I am officially freaked out.  I remembered it said to turn onto 115 before it died, so as I am frantically clicking the power button on my phone to no avail, I hit 115.  I turned right.  It said right, right??

I turn right.

Wait. I do know enough to know I should NOT be going SOUTH.


So I decide to turn around.

There is NO WHERE to turn around.

God is officially laughing his ass off at me right now.  I mean a good belly laugh.  Like, he can’t breathe and as asking me to please stop, the hilarity is too much to handle.


I find a place to turn around six or sixty miles later and do so.  I then go North.


Then my poor phone finally boots back up.

This little “Scenic route” detour has taken me an hour and a half.


The route in Red is what I ended up driving.  Other than getting onto 1-4 and onto 1-95.

What I found most interesting is when I finally found I-95 I was so relieved.

Then I got onto the highway.

Remember, this is the Sunday after Thanksgiving, going NORTH in FL.

Everyone from GA to Maine was visiting their retired relatives in FL for Thanksgiving and in turn heading home back North.

It went a little like this…



 photo tumblr_lrkdsx3iP81qmtzis.gif

So maybe Google Maps isn’t the biggest asshole program ever? Maybe it saved me from sitting on the Highway for 6 hours.

Nah, F*@k Google maps, it took me through a forest.  Serial killers live there.  Everyone knows that…

Oh, Happy Holidays.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS.  I am sure Astor is a lovely place.  But when I arrived I was more freaked out than Mel Gibson in a Synagogue.  I hope again to visit because they had this awesome flea market type thing with 80000 whirligigs in the front.  And I want to be where that many whirligigs live.

PPS.  This guys face.  LOVE!

Photo Credits:


The maps I got, ironically from Google Maps.  The artwork is mine.  See, I do research and work for these blogs.  I swear it.  😉

Go Home Florida, you’re Drunk

Oh Florida.

My home state and Birthplace. I always feel Florida gets a bad rap (or is it wrap?  I dunno).  All the crime and insanity being reported seemed out of proportion maybe because I am from Florida so I just notice it more?  There must be the same amount of complete idiocy and general fuckery going on everywhere.


I am just not sure anymore.

I have stated before about my love affair with DailyMail.com.  It is a UK online publication but has a US page and frankly I am on there more than I am in my kitchen.

And I am in my kitchen a lot.  BTW, foods, all the foods, they are mine. 

So I got on my internet research hat,

Yes my sleuth hat is a visor.  This is Florida Dammit.  It is hot.

And began to look around.  Trying to figure out if there is another state, preferably on the Eastern Seaboard that has comparable crime/population/insanity.

I did NOT know that Florida is the 4th largest populated state, behind New York, California and Texas.  OK, well that is the first problem.  We are a decently sized state with way too many damned people.

After going through Wikipedia it seems that Florida isn’t the WORST per capita, but the South itself IS the worst in the country.  It seems that D.C. is the worst of the worst.  I have never been there and have no opinion on that.

I wanted to know what makes it seem like Florida is growing more crazy than oranges.

By the way, this is what started this search.  (Amongst the 1,558,278 articles I see FL mentioned)


So.  First off, their bucket list wish was to steal from a Walmart.  Ok, but was one dying??  Isn’t that what a Bucket list is?!?  And they were from Ocala.  This article, as stated above was from Dailymail.co/uk

A quote from this article, “The items? Beef jerky and a bathing suit.”

How does one wrap their head around this one?


I sat there for a while, and this was all I had…


Sigh.Really though, I read a lot of news, watch some.  And it always seems like the oddest, and frankly sometimes the sickest news comes out of Florida.  And the comments are always, “Oh they are from Florida, it all makes sense.”  I don’t know why that bothers me.  It is like someone talking bad about your brother.  You can talk shit all day long but anyone else, they are just an ass.

I love my state.  It is pretty friggin awesome if you give it a chance.  I mean we are a peninsula for the love of Oprah.  There are beaches everywhere.

And frankly everyone should avoid the Wal-mart anyway so if you just steer clear you should be fine.

So, no meat bathing suits, no Wal-mart, and just go to the damned beach.  I was there yesterday and it was awesome.  Sand in the crack of my everything and all.

Good times.

Oh and Florida, shape up.  Your crazy is starting to show.
As Always,

Woman on Pause

Neo-Nazi – Tattoo Shy?

Meet John Allen Ditullio.  This gentleman is suspected of murder in New Port Richey, FL.  This will be the second trial for the 2008 home invasion, murder of a young man, and injury to a young woman.

Tattoos?  What tattoos?

Now, I am not usually one to judge anyone before they are judged by a jury of their peers.  That is the basis of our judicial system.  While I agree is flawed, it works sixty percent of the time, all of the time.

What makes this story interesting is the Judge presiding over the trial decided to allow Mr. Richey to have his tattoos covered by a court appointed cosmetologist. To the tune of $150.00 per day. 

Maybe I should get some concealer and powder and rethink my career choice after hearing the surprisingly high fee.  After further thought, I would not want to sponge makeup on this man.  I take it all back.

Seems he doesn’t want the jury to see the curse word, barbed wire, and swastika that is on his face/head/body.  He feels, or he and his attorney feel, it may cause the jury to judge him unfairly.

Well duh.

I have a tattoo.  I know people who have many tattoos.  I think they are a wonderful way to express yourself.  I actually wouldn’t mind another.  That being said, how is it that a jury isn’t allowed to see them?  He wasn’t disfigured or tattooed against his will was he?

No.  He consciously chose to let the world know, he digs Hitler and/or Nazi principles, and the barbed wire that encompasses his world view.  Which he has every right to do.

So why is the State of Florida paying for a person to come in and cover them up?  These are life choices.  I have no idea whether or not he killed that poor man or injured that woman. NO CLUE. But I do know he wanted the tattoos and now he wants them hidden because he might be judged unfairly.  REALLY??

What I do know, is that if you choose to ink it, you choose to live with it.  It isn’t one tattoo or two, but from what I can tell numerous tattoos. I am going to give a collective sigh, of “What the Eff?” on this one. 

It is hard enough being a Floridian.  Yes, we have sun and mild temperatures but we also have some of the most horrid, insane, heartless, and at times humorous criminals. 

Do you think he should have been allowed to cover his tats?

As always,

Woman on Pause

Link to story & Picture Credit