The Struggle Is Real

I am struggling creatively.

It isn’t writers block.  That is when you want to write but have nothing to put down.  I want to write, have ideas, but can’t seem to consistently sit down and put words down.  It is like I am being a total brat.

To myself.

brat

I am pretty sure this is a form of procrastination.  I am SURE I have covered procrastination in the past.  But this one…  It is bugging me.  I feel an internal struggle.  And I am not sure with what.  Is it me?  Is life making it to where I am too distracted and crazed to get the words down?  Maybe.

Or maybe I shouldn’t write.

I have wanted to write since I was a Senior in High School.  I have dabbled and then became very serious and became published (online) and was on a hot streak!  Then ever since then…

Nada.

I have started thirty short stories.  I didn’t finish a one.  I have a great idea for a  novella but can’t seem to put it together.  I want to do the NaNoWriMo but I am worried I will quit a week in and be disappointed in myself all over again.

What in the hell is wrong with me?

That being said, there has to be a reason I haven’t quit.

Right?

I’m gonna go contemplate that for a bit.  I will leave you with this.  Something I saw on Facebook.  One of those things people put up all of the time.  A picture of words meant to inspire.  I hate those. But this one resonated with me.  Even two weeks after I saw it.  So, I am sharing it with you.

I am so sorry to its originator.  I have no idea who to credit here.

But I love it.

Be who

As always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit:
http://www.goodenoughmother.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/bratty-child.jpg.
http://d.justpo.st/media/images/2015/10/13/be-who-you-need-when-you-were-younger-1444743904.jpg.

Compass- Friday Fictioneers

FF 08.06.15

“I am really glad we decided to go camping.”

He recognized the sarcasm but still nodded as they lay together under the stars gazing up towards the heavens.

She continued,“There is something about living off the land. Not having a clue about what could happen and how you will handle roughing it. That is how you described this right?”

“I did prepare though. I brought food, water filtration, and a few tools.”

“Yes, but you forgot one thing.”

He sighed, “They will find us… Eventually.”

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This is my flash fiction submission for this Weeks Friday Fictioneers presented by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.  The idea is to write a story at or under 100 words based of of the photo prompt.  Photo courtesy of © Madison Woods.

This story is 90 words.  I always welcome constructive criticism.

You can find this and other stories this week Here.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Incognito – Mondays Finish the Story

Monday 07.27.15

Incognito

He thought he found the perfect hiding spot. He was camouflaged and watching. That was exactly where he needed to be. He couldn’t believe that he was witness to his wife cheating on him. In front of everyone. How could she? They had been together two years now.

And this guy. Oh, THIS guy… He was nothing like Eddie. This guy was suave. He actually sauntered. That was how he stole his purrfect Missy. By ambling around as if he were the only male here.

Well not today my friend. Today he was going to stay incognito until she realiz–

Dinner Time!! Come on Missy… Eddie… and you too Mittens. Come on and eat your dinner sweet baby kitties!!!”

Eddie stood up, straightened and began to walk towards his bowl.  All the while smirking, “Mittens, huh.” 

Word Count 129

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Thank you for stopping by and reading my submission for Mondays Finish the Story.  The idea is to write a short fiction story based off of the photo prompt and the first line is already written.

I appreciate any constructive criticism.  And thank you for stopping by!!

You can always add your submission or read others just click the link below.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Rest Stop – Friday Fictioneers

Below is my story for Friday Fictioneers.  The idea is to write 100 words or less based on a photo prompt.

FF 07.26.15
Photo courtesy of Dee Lovering

Feel free to check out all of the Friday Fictioneers Stories here:  An InLinkz Link-up

Rest Stop

She didn’t know when it began.

The horrific panic she experienced as a passenger in a car. It was better if she was driving but the panic still surfaced anytime someone hit their breaks. She would feel physical pain from the shock every single time. Doctors said it was a panic attack and gave her anti-anxiety meds for the drive to the funeral.

When she woke she asked if she could drive to feel more at ease. He agreed.

When she woke again their car lodged into a welcome center off of I-91 she realized the meds worked.

She never panicked even once.

105 Words

I hope everyone enjoyed my submission.  Constructive critisism always welcomed.  I haven’t done one of these in a while but I always enjoy them!

As Always,
Woman on Pause


Freaking Out

I was absolutely freaking out.  I will try and nutshell this.  Bear with me. Or is it bare?  Hell, I honestly don’t know.

I was diagnosed by an urgent care doctor with something called Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Essentially this is what Wikipedia said about it when I went to go see Dr. Google.

Trigeminal neuralgia (TN, or TGN), also known as prosopalgia, or Fothergill’s disease is a neuropathicdisorder characterized by episodes of intense pain in the face, originating from the trigeminal nerve. The clinical association between TN and hemifacial spasm is the so-called tic douloureux. It has been described as among the most painful conditions known to humankind.

After reading that and realizing I wasn’t insane for thinking my scalp, ear, and face were going to melt off in a volcanic type of pain, I made an appointment with a neurologist.

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That is the face I make when it happens too.  I feel ya buddy.  

He sent me for an MRI and some blood work.  Cool Beans.

I went and got the MRI, again, Cool Beans.

It went with out incident.

One hour later the tech called me and said, “Hi, can you come back in immediately?”

(Now in full, “WTF” mode) I replied, “No.”  Because essentially fuck that.

Him – Well when CAN you come back in??
Me – After work tomorrow around 2:00pm.
Him – *Sigh* if that is the best you can do.
Me – Um, did I move and mess it up??
Him – No. (He literally said nothing else)
Me – Ok, so WHY??
Him – The radiologist needs more pictures.

Needless to say I made arrangements and found out I could go.  I called back and he asked how long until I got to the hospital.  I said 10 minutes.

During this drive I am freaking the fuck out.  The logical part of me knows it is nothing.  But the urgency this man is giving me has me almost positive I have a tumor and they are getting more images of said tumor.

I walk into the hospital at 4:15pm and he is waiting on me in the lobby.

**waiting on me**

He got me right in and then in 15 minutes I was done.

I spent the rest of the night doing all I could not to cry.  I had no one to talk to and my son was with me.  I didn’t want to freak him out.  So we played AlphaBear.  And then I went to bed.

I called the neurologist the next day and he was fuming mad that the tech did that.  He got a little snippy with me.  Which I don’t think was intentional.  He said, we would call you if something was wrong.  I told him logically I knew that but it still had me very freaked out.  I told him I would never follow up with you next day on an MRI but damn.  He agreed that the tech more than likely screwed up and had to get the remaining images WHILE I still had contrast in my system.

Asshole.

Why not just say that???  I would have been miffed but not scared of imminent death.

Needless to say, I think I still have the TN thing, but no TUMAHHHH.

Have mercy on my soul.

Still breathing, as always,

Woman on Pause

Wiki info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trigeminal_neuralgia.

Normalcy.

Normalcy.  Or Routine.

Something I haven’t seen or felt since May 4th, 2015.  It may not seem like a long time.  2 months and some change.  But, I am craving it so badly.  We closed on our house on May the 5th and the journey began.

It is funny.  When you move, and we moved farther inland closer to family and friends, people stop by.  Do not get me wrong.  I love that.  I love showing the house.  I love sharing this milestone with my nearest and dearest. But I have seen  more family and friends in the last two months than I have in the last ten years.

But it hasn’t stopped. Not just people, but Baseball (My 13 year old not only made All-Stars, but also made State!!) kids traveling back and forth, my working part time, My Husband working the 12 hour swing shift, my oldest Step son making the fantastic decision to join the Navy.  But with all of this comes time and running.

And that is all that we have done.

Run, Run, Run, Run, Sleep, Run, Work, Run, Run, Entertain, Sleep, Run, Work…. Repeat.

523-routine-cartoon

The boys go back to school (Starting new schools, Yay and EEEEEEEk) in early August and I hope that will bring some sort of routine to our lives.

I never knew I needed structure.  Go figure.

MjAxMy02OTMwZmU1NWJkNDc4OWVl

What is even odder about it all…  While craving that structure I have been desperate to write.  I let it go for quite some time.  Not truly sure why.   I just did.  But now it is almost all I think about.  It has to mean that writing is a part of my normal.  And I need to get back to “my” normal.

Everyone, thanks for hanging in there.  I know I have been quite absent.  I had to get a new domain because the internets are confusing and the google wasn’t returning my calls.  So I said, Fuck it, and got a new domain name to cut the red tape and get this blog going again.

http://www.womanonpause.me

Which I thought appropriate since, well, it is me.

Woo Hoo, I’m Baaaaaaaaaack.

 photo WOO HOO.gif

Bout Damned Time.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:
http://fortuitoushousewife.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/523-routine-cartoon.gif.
http://static.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy02OTMwZmU1NWJkNDc4OWVl.png.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-sDqD8BG3HeY/UnpotIgNpTI/AAAAAAAAAHw/2lRzgvl9RoY/s1600/WOO+HOO.gif.

I was lost…

But now I am found.  I literally can’t even list here how many things have been going on that have delayed me from renewing my domain.

All the things.

But most importantly…

We bought a house!  And I got a part time job.

All kinds of goodies have been going on.  I will splain later.

Missed you all.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Baby’s in Reno with the Vitamin D

The title of this post is from Beck’s “Loser.”  A song I can sing by heart with no music prompt.  But it also has absolutely nothing to do with this post.

It does oddly represent the scatterbrainedness of which I find myself chest deep in.  <—That may be the worst sentence I have ever written.  But who am I to mess with these things?

Confused yet?

Yeah me too.  I have been so neglectful of my wonderful little corner of the internet (this blog).  And it has been on my mind quite a bit.  So now that we are done with Thanksgiving and my house is back to a normal roar instead of the roar that comes from 4 more kids and 2 more adults, I am getting back into the swing of things.

So much so, that I downloaded a text book for a fictional writing course.  And I am already through the first chapter and (hold on to your seats folks) am half way through the first exercise.

Now, I know what you might be thinking.  Why didn’t she finish the exercise?  Well, that is because I don’t ever seem to finish anything.  It is super hard for me to finish my fiction pieces.  And I have no idea why.  So then I tend to procrastinate out of fear I won’t finish.  Which essentially  is also not finishing.  Do you all see the dilemma here?

proc

The photo above is so full of truth….

But, the good news is, I am not getting up from this desk until I finish it.  So, if someone finds my body half eaten by cats, weeks from now, know that I had the resolve to finish just not the words.

Hope all of you are doing well and had a wonderful Thanksgiving!!

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit:  http://florianjensen.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/procrastination.jpg.

Saving the Day – Friday Fictioneers

Hello everyone!  Find below my submission for this week’s Friday Fictioneers. (Nov14)  Brought to you by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields.  The idea is simple.  Take the photo prompt and a complete 100 word story.  Today’s picture is brought to you by our gracious host.

Hollywood

Saving the Day

“Those are Palm Trees.” She said smiling.

He looked at the palm of his chubby hand and she could tell he was confused.

“Not the palm of your hand Scotty, just the name of the tree. A coincidence.”

He didn’t seem completely convinced, but instead looked upward again and his cape pooled behind him on the concrete. She knew bringing him to meet Batman would be overwhelming, but time was ticking so fast now. As they walked through the crowds, she heard his little voice scream, “It’s the Joker Mom! I can save the day!”

“Yes you can love. Yes, you can.”

– 102 Words

This story and many others can also be viewed here.

All criticism welcome.  I just hope it is the helpful kind!!  Thanks for reading!

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Funky Monkey

Well HELLO!

I have to apologize, mostly to myself, but to the 10’s of readers I have out there.  I went through a bit of a funk the last month or so.  It has been a weird time.  Nothing BAD has happened per se, but things started to overwhelm me a bit. When that happens I find twenty shows on Netflix, wrap up on the couch and do the bare minimum.  It is the best way to try and get out of my own head.  At least that is what I think at the time.  I was also sick for a couple of weeks and that had me run down as well.

Part of me doesn’t know if going inward actually helps or I just need time to break back out of my shell.  When I get like that I crank procrastination up to 11.  Again, it is just the way I have always dealt with conflict and doubt.  Hunker down.

Kind of like this.
Hunker
“Hunkerdown” at its finest.
(Not me by the way but seemed to fit how I felt on the couch covered in blankets like I am 12 and building a fort of solitude.)
((And what in the world does that blanket smell like that has her so freaked out!?!?))

I digress.

We wrapped up football for my 9 year old on Saturday and my 12 year old had a double header today.  And as I was sitting there in the sun, the sky was so perfectly blue and the grass was bright green, and it was a gorgeous day.  I realized I had been hunkering and decided I was done with that.

I actually thought, if I could spend my days like this I would never want to watch Netflix on the couch again.  This may also be a product of Stay at Home Mom induced Cabin fever.  It’s a real thing.  The struggle is real y’all.  And I know that anyone who works wants to bash my head in for saying that is a problem, oh well.  It is one I have at the moment.

But I have decided to make better use of my time and get off the couch.  So, hopefully you will be hearing quite a bit more from me soon.

Miss my WP people and hope all of you are well!

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit: http://thechronicleherald.ca/sites/default/files/imagecache/ch_article_main_image/articles/girl2.jpg.