My Love Affair. The IRS Version.

I am 38 years old.  I have been filing taxes since I was 17.  That is 21 years of tax love between me and the IRS.  If the IRS and I had a baby it would be of legal drinking age this year.  I have a feeling she would be a difficult child.

21

I would hope that child would get my sense of humor and the IRS’s knack for numbers.

I am trying to have a sense of humor regarding my taxes.  I am waiting on a sizable refund and short story long, we submitted 01/30/16.  They flagged us, then admitted it was their mistake, and said they would reprocess.  That takes me to today.  04/04/16.  Over 65 days since we filed.  I am making my weekly call as we speak.  Trying to understand, trying to be patient.

Trying

hurry

I am currently listening to the soothing sound of IRS hold music while trying as hard as I can to remember not to have a single SMIDGE of attitude towards whomever gets my call.  Because last person you want to piss off is the IRS.  Hell we didn’t even do anything incorrectly and our 3K is being held hostage.

Held just because…

Current time on Hold:  22 Minutes

Talking to a lovely woman (no sarcasm) but have again been placed on hold
Current time on Hold: 32 Minutes

This being my 4th call, we just found out that they had our wrong address.  Which is TOTES weird since, A. We filed with our current (new) address.  And B. I have made 4 other filth flarn and filth calls and this has NEVER come up.

I am trying so hard to let this go.  But, we never received a notification there was a problem (we still have a mail forward in, so we would have received it) we keep calling, being reassured it isn’t our fault.  And they’re working on it.

I have decided it has been placed upon the desk of a person I can only assume, unfortunately had a rather nasty attack of Shingles, and has been out of the office since 2/22/16.

desk
My return is in the 2nd stack to the left under the black folder.  I can see my name.

I swear it is lost.  None of this makes any sense.

I was just told there is NOTHING they can do.  They are allowed the 9 weeks to reprocess my return.  Even if it is their fault.  And if it still has no movement by 4/11 then they have 45 days to research.  Dear LORD give me patience and liquor.

Current time on Hold: 45 minutes

I was given a number for a “Taxpayer Advocate” number. Estimated wait time 2-4 minutes with the Advocate.

Score!!!

I will keep everyone updated.  All 3 followers I have left because I have been chilling with Netflix and my head in the sand for the last 6 months.

PS. “Love” and “The Ranch” were surprisingly good series on Netflix.  Give em a shot.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

Photo Credits:
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/29/88/e7/2988e7540ba1131c4c3db00fddef4340.jpg.
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Untitled-1383.png.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/qmt-o97hykk/hqdefault.jpg.

Freaking Out

I was absolutely freaking out.  I will try and nutshell this.  Bear with me. Or is it bare?  Hell, I honestly don’t know.

I was diagnosed by an urgent care doctor with something called Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Essentially this is what Wikipedia said about it when I went to go see Dr. Google.

Trigeminal neuralgia (TN, or TGN), also known as prosopalgia, or Fothergill’s disease is a neuropathicdisorder characterized by episodes of intense pain in the face, originating from the trigeminal nerve. The clinical association between TN and hemifacial spasm is the so-called tic douloureux. It has been described as among the most painful conditions known to humankind.

After reading that and realizing I wasn’t insane for thinking my scalp, ear, and face were going to melt off in a volcanic type of pain, I made an appointment with a neurologist.

230px-Gray778
That is the face I make when it happens too.  I feel ya buddy.  

He sent me for an MRI and some blood work.  Cool Beans.

I went and got the MRI, again, Cool Beans.

It went with out incident.

One hour later the tech called me and said, “Hi, can you come back in immediately?”

(Now in full, “WTF” mode) I replied, “No.”  Because essentially fuck that.

Him – Well when CAN you come back in??
Me – After work tomorrow around 2:00pm.
Him – *Sigh* if that is the best you can do.
Me – Um, did I move and mess it up??
Him – No. (He literally said nothing else)
Me – Ok, so WHY??
Him – The radiologist needs more pictures.

Needless to say I made arrangements and found out I could go.  I called back and he asked how long until I got to the hospital.  I said 10 minutes.

During this drive I am freaking the fuck out.  The logical part of me knows it is nothing.  But the urgency this man is giving me has me almost positive I have a tumor and they are getting more images of said tumor.

I walk into the hospital at 4:15pm and he is waiting on me in the lobby.

**waiting on me**

He got me right in and then in 15 minutes I was done.

I spent the rest of the night doing all I could not to cry.  I had no one to talk to and my son was with me.  I didn’t want to freak him out.  So we played AlphaBear.  And then I went to bed.

I called the neurologist the next day and he was fuming mad that the tech did that.  He got a little snippy with me.  Which I don’t think was intentional.  He said, we would call you if something was wrong.  I told him logically I knew that but it still had me very freaked out.  I told him I would never follow up with you next day on an MRI but damn.  He agreed that the tech more than likely screwed up and had to get the remaining images WHILE I still had contrast in my system.

Asshole.

Why not just say that???  I would have been miffed but not scared of imminent death.

Needless to say, I think I still have the TN thing, but no TUMAHHHH.

Have mercy on my soul.

Still breathing, as always,

Woman on Pause

Wiki info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trigeminal_neuralgia.

Crap.

I just deleted this entire post.  It was typed out and ready to go. 

It was crap.

Instead the truth.
I came here to say, that this blog and writing has been weighing heavily on my mind.  I hate I haven’t posted and am determined to do so more often.

I hope all of you are well and promise to bring crap free fun, asap. 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

16 Thoughts You Have While Drinking Tequila

I saw this video, because I can’t seem to pass up click bait, and I thought it was the perfect representation of the stages we all go through while taking tequila shots.

 

When Tequila is Presented whilst engaging in beers with friends.

    1. Oh, what is this?  Tequila.  Well… Sure. Why not.
    2. OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?!?!
    3. Is my mouth and throat on actual Fire?
    4. Inevitable tequila shake as the body absorbs the toxins.

 photo shiver-long-o.gif

    1. That was HORRIBLE.
    2. This is why beer is the chaser.  Chase that Jet Fuel taste out of my mouth
    3. Wait, another one?
    4. But the first one…
    5. *Sigh* Sure why the hell not.  One more.

 photo niccage.gif

      1. OH DEAR GOD WHY??
      2. The burn isn’t so much napalm this time as warm camp fire.
      3. Is it hot in here?
      4. Smaller tequila tremor.  4.0 on the Cuevo Richter Scale.
      5. That wasn’t too bad.
      6. I may be sweating.
      7. Wait, wasn’t the last shot like 5 minutes ago?
      8. Another??
      9. Just one more.
      10. Wait.
      11. That wasn’t so bad.
      12. I feel like I am a walking warm blanket.  So cozy.
      13. No, I don’t have lime in my teeth and salt in my hair.
      14. That Sir was an insult and we must now partake in fisticuffs.

 photo Fisticuffs.gif

15. Black Hole of Unconsciousness

16.   HANGOVER.

 

The End.

Please keep these thoughts in mind while watching the video.  I swear it is the same.damned.thing.  Well, from 11 on that is more  “My experience.”   But you get the point.

PS.  Gunga Din FTW.

 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:
http://homeschoolersanonymous.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/niccage.gif?w=470.

http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/4230676/shiver-long-o.gif.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/9def05840d2ebb8ee8d83f8452d5ec40/tumblr_mzgcdpmXXT1sr1ki0o1_500.gif.

Brain Soup

This is my brain right now.
 photo brain.gif

While this may seem a bit extreme it is kind of true.  (And truth be told I have loved this gif since the beginning of time and use it as often as possible.)

I am trying to negotiate with said brain on how to get back on track.  I spent the last two months doing nothing and it made me feel icky.

I am the kind of person who can’t sit still for more than fifteen minutes.  Two months kinda messed with my brain a bit.

So I did all the things.  And as my last post stated, it is still too soon to do all the things.  I have to find a happy medium.

So I am going back to writing.  I can’t sit for long periods of time either (hip not ADHD) but I have to start to do SOMETHING.

I was texting with a friend about trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and upcoming classes I will be taking and I mentioned I didn’t feel passionate about much of anything right now.

And she said, “You do about writing.  And you are good at it.”

I don’t know about the end part, but it reignited a flame that I had blown out about a month before surgery.

So I am committing.  And making that choice has made me now feel like this.

Mighty_mouse_small

 

And that is a good thing.

More to come…

 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credit:  http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g373/paxpinnae/COMEDY-2.gif.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_k9mUv3KvFh0/SDOxoRPDSnI/AAAAAAAAAl8/n_gWqldPyRY/s320/Mighty_mouse_small.jpg.

 

 

One Year at Home – From Desk to Domesticity

This week marks the one year anniversary of me leaving my job/career to stay at home.  I can’t believe it has been a year.  I thought time flew by fast before because the nature of my job is time structured.  First of the month there were certain tasks as were the 15th then month end.

Nope.

Time just goes by really fast regardless.

I needed this time away from my job.  For several reasons. I never really took a vacation.  Maybe two in 15 years.  I craved knowing what not working felt like.  I never had that feeling in my adult life.

Ever.

I needed to know that I like to work. When you have always worked and are expected to work you start to wonder if it is even something you want to do.  Whether it is working or the career you have chose.

Believe it or not.  I do like to work.  I have a renewed sense of purpose and look forward to getting back to school to finish my degree.

(Note.  I do not look forward to GOING to school.  I hate school.  But it has to be done.)

Things I miss:

  • Interaction with adults.  Adult conversation.  Inappropriate humor.
  • Mocha Lattes
  • Feeling accomplished
  • Comradeship
  • Feeling I contribute financially <—-  This is a big one.  More so than I thought it would be.

Things I don’t miss:

  • Commuting
  • Office politics. (What did that bitch say to my boss???  Oh hell no….)
  • Work stress
  • Missing out on time with my kids/class visits/holiday parties/award ceremonies/ etc.

There have been highs and lows to this major change in my life.  But more highs than lows.  I always wondered if I would be the kind of person to want to stay at home.  I am not.  I will enjoy it now, but am eager to get back to it.

Which hopefully will be by the end of Summer.  While I loathe the thought of taking classes again I know it is just a step towards building my career and having professional satisfaction.

That being said, how employers will view my employment gap is the scariest part of all of this.

I hear that is a big no-no.

Whoops!

The journey continues…

 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

FFS

Yep.  I said it.  If you aren’t sure what that means, it means For Fuck’s sake.  Sorry for the profanity, but I am not sorry.  The last 14 days have sucked HARD.

(Note:  This is a post that I rant about things that may not interest anyone.  I DO apologize for this. But, I gotta purge.)

For the first time in literally 3 years I had a girls night.  It was great.  I enjoyed it, and really needed to be in the company of some wonderful women.  It went fabulously for a quaint affair.

The next day, I was sick. And of course, my hubs was out of town so I still had to make sure the kids ate, got to school, even had to deep clean the house for the landlord to do a yearly inspection.  No one could take care of me, I just laid.  I laid all day and all night as sleep isn’t an option with the croup it seems.

I posted about this earlier in the week. Or was it last week. Ugh…

Today is the first day I am not downing Robitussin like a teenager trying to get high at his grandparents house but can’t find any good meds.

Image

A few days ago, I was so tired of it all.  My hip hurt, I felt like ass, I decided to try and make myself feel better.  I decided to venture out for a pedicure.  I can’t have painted toes during the surgery and it looked like a toddler had tried to color my toes with a marker, blind, and drunk.  It was time to get this fixed.

So, I shower, get on some clothes blow my nose 1,554 times, down some cough syrup and head out the door.

Once you leave the neighborhood where my  house is, it goes from 65mph to 55mph to 45 mph in a 1.5 mile span.  I knew Troopers had been clocking people, but really didn’t realize I hadn’t slowed down.

Why you ask?  Because I was having a coughing fit.  It started innocently enough, then it turned into a full blown, about to puke HACK. And as I passed the trooper I looked down and realized I was going 60 and had just passed the 45mph sign.

There went the lights.

 photo agif-lights1.gif

FFS.

I used to get tickets all the time. I commuted and got at least one a year.  But in the last five years I have made a conscious effort to slow down.  And haven’t even been pulled over.

I knew it was me, I pulled over and started to try and find my license, insurance and registration.

He asked me where I was going.  I started to cry (not to get out of the ticket but it had just become TOO damned much) and said the following:

I have been so sick and I felt bad and I have surgery and I wanted to get my toes done so I left the house for the first time in eight days and started to cough and didn’t realize I didn’t slow down *Sniff sob Sniff* and I just wanted to feel a little better and I haven’t even been pulled over in so long and I can’t find my registration but here is the receipt for it I am sorry how much is this going *Sob Sniff* to cost???

Read that really fast and with a head cold.  It was damned pathetic.

He comes back and hands me a warning.

I looked up at him genuinely surprised.  “Really??” I sniveled.

He smiled and said, “I hope you feel better, just slow it down.”

I was dumbfounded.  I have never gotten out of a ticket.  NEVER. It also probably helped that truth be told, I looked like a coughed up hairball.  He took pity.  And I accepted it gratefully.

So it hasn’t been ALL bad but I had really hoped to have so much more done as my son’s birthday party is Sunday and Surgery one week from today.

I hope today is a sign that things are going to normal out some.

HOPE HOPE HOPE

I started this just to say, I haven’t resigned my page, or vanished.  I just haven’t had the energy.

And then the word vomit came.  I truly hope to be back to my weekly posts and writing again starting Monday.

Thanks for sticking with me, it will probably just get weirder from here.  😉

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:
http://betweennapsontheporch.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Send-Me-No-Flowers-Starring-Doris-Day-Rock-Hudson-Tour-this-Movie-House-24.jpg.

http://www.centerannapolis.com/agif-lights1.gif.

Snot funny

I am sick. So I have been on the couch with my two best friends.

Netflix

And our recent semi trailer full of Girl Scout Cookies.

I have finished House of Cards season 2 and enough Samoas to choke a Samoan.

I am now on the Following and invited Sudafed to the party.

I forgot how much being sick sucks.  BUT it is a good thing it is happening now.  If I am sick up to my surgery I can’t be cut open.  And as much as I don’t want to be cut open, I am ready to move that train along so I can get to Recovery Junction as soon as possible.

I may be not be around much as this laptop feels about 4 miles from the couch that is the most awesome place to sink in, sleep, and catch Girl Scout Cookie crumbs.

I am going to go back to feeling miserable.  I do hope that all of you are fairing better than I today.

Just so everyone knows I am not SUPER sick, just sick enough to feel like ass, here’s my funny picture.

Because it isn’t a blog without a funny picture.  AMIRITE?

Image

PS  I am totally going to try this.

*CoughHackWheeze*

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credit:  http://funniest.1000notes.com/

M.R.I. – Miserable Ridiculous Idiocy Part II

We arrive back at this tale of woes with me winning the battle against my blood pressure and on my way (Finally) to get the MRI of my hip.  To recap Here

So they transfer me to a gurney and send me to the basement of the hospital to….

Wait. Again.

In the mean time, they give me this marker to put on the area of my hip that I am there for.  Well, I had never really realized it was there unless I was standing up.  So, I have to go through the two gowns I have on and the sheet to try and locate the lump and stick the marker.  As I am doing this I realize that trying to locate it under the sheet, in a gurney, in the waiting area of the MRI Imaging department, people are starting to stare.

I look like I am masturbating.

Straight up, no joke,I can see it on their faces.  They think I am insane and am so turned on by the scent of bleach and sickness that I decided to dial the pink telephone right then and there.

*Sigh*

I don’t even know if I got it in the right spot, I stuck it then it occurred to me to try and explain to the few people what I was doing, but then decided better of it because I couldn’t even navigate that conversation in my head.

How embarrassing.

Finally after a while it was time.  I did the MRI and fell asleep as I usually do.  They wake me up and I try and get off the table.

Feeling a bit light headed.  She said that is normal and bluntly tells me to put my clothes on.  Maybe she had received a complaint about a brunette practicing self lovin’ in her waiting room.  Who knows.

 photo Getout.gif

I get dressed and get directed out.  I am trying to navigate the halls but I am so dizzy and nauseous.  I almost pass out.

I think, I probably need to eat.  The cafeteria place was on my way to the parking garage so I stop in.  It is packed.  Since my phone is dead, I ask the woman  in front of me what time it is.

1:45pm.  WTF???

SHIT, I have to be home by 2:15 to greet my son from the bus.  It is pouring and the door is locked I have to GO NOW.

I grab some cheezits, a fiber one bar, and a pepsi and run woozily out of there.

I arrive at my car and I have to sit down.  I think if there is anyone I can call to drive me because I still feel like I am going to faint.  I am hurriedly cramming cheezits into my mouth and I realize there is a note on my car.

crazy

You HAVE GOT TO BE F’ING Kidding me.  I get out of my car, almost fall out, to see what crazy parking I have done.  I was about 6 inches over the front line.  In the middle of a huge parking garage on the 4th floor.  That’s it.  Nothing more.

But this passive aggressive asshole decided that was unacceptable and went back to their car, and tore a sheet of paper from the saddest diary ever and left me what you see above.

I curled it up screamed “AAAUGHGHGHHHHHH REALLY?!?!?!?  REALLLLLLLLLY???”

I did kind of hope that the asshole who wrote that note was in the MRI waiting room and was traumatized by some crazy lady masturbating in the waiting room.  A girl can only hope.

Day from HELL.

*Side Bar – I spoke with a nurse friend and she said that more than likely when they injected me with lidocaine, they hit a vein.  It is not intended to be injected into a vein and when it happens, it is like an epinephrine shot.  Your BP goes up and your heart rate increases.  She said as a nurse she had seen women pass out, puke, etc. and they really should have been monitoring my BP and heart rate the entire time.

:-/

I am still limping but not feeling faint anymore, took 48 hours to feel normal again.  I can laugh about it all, but if this is any indication of things to come pray for me.

I’m gonna need it.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credit: http://now-here-this.timeout.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/url-17.gif
 

MRI – Miserable Ridiculous Idiocy

Miserable Ridiculous Idiocy.  That was the best I could come up with.  I am hoping as I start this that it won’t run too long.  But it is hard to summarize this many fails in a short post.

Reason for MRI.  My doctor didn’t like a mass of skin on the front of my hip, near my incision scars and wanted me to do a MRI with contrast to find out what the hell it is.  (I assume scar tissue or fluid, but clearly he is hoping for the gold star on the board for Dr with most MRI’s in January.)

I go in and spend a small fortune on this as it is the beginning of the year and no deductibles had been met that day.  Fine.  Whatever.

They told me to be in Radiology at 9am for the contrast to be injected (with a bastard needle) into my hip joint then they would take me for my MRI at 10:15am. Kewl.  I have had this same type of MRI no less than 5 times already.  Piece of cake.

I am on time and in the waiting area.

Then two hours go by.

Me – Um hai.  This seems an odd amount of time to wait.

Them – We apologize for your delay.  To compensate, let’s bring you into this small room so you can get naked and wear our 2013 Oscar De Larenta “Showing all your Business” gowns.

Fine. So I change and I wait.

Another hour.

In a broom closet.

At this point I am still naively optimistic.  But bored, so I am taking pictures of all of the things.

Image

They finally bring me in the room outside of the broom closet.  And I wait.  With all of my stuff in a bag.

Image

A nurse wheels in sitting on a chair and informs me that MRI is backed up and it will be another 30 minutes.  She apologizes and says, “They had a difficult patient.”  I said, “I am about to become a difficult patient.”

Hunger and agitation have set in.

I have been here since 8:30am it is noon and I am starving and getting annoyed.  But still trying to make the best of a bad situation.

I dig in my purse and find a dum dum lolipop.  Glory be. Maybe I will make it through.  And I found some gum.  Mom Perk #5,499 candy at the bottom of your purse.

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Finally it is time!!  They lay me on this–

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–So they can inject the contrast into my hip joint they have to do it under X-Ray.  I lay down and they inject my hip with lidocaine as not to have me screaming in pain while she tries to cross stitch her initials into my hip joint.

It doesn’t go well.  The PA is telling me that the joint is so tight the needle keeps popping out.  So she has to keep putting it back in, and now I am in some fairly serious pain.  I would rate it a 6 then slowly progressed to a 7 and it is taking a lot longer than the other ones ever did.  She is apologizing, I am quietly crying, this isn’t going well.

She finally says it is done.  And apologizes again.

They assist me onto a wheelchair because I can’t put weight on the joint because it will mess up the contrast.

Then they take my blood pressure.

175/125

Oh shit.

She pleasantly informs me that if it doesn’t go down not only are they NOT going to do the MRI, but she will strongly suggest I get wheeled over to ER.

Faaaaaaaaaaaaack.

So naturally my BP being so high I am now faced with all of this being in vain, I feel my BP rise more.  I breathe, I think happy thoughts about food (as I am still starving) sunny days and unicorns.  Anything to try and bring it down.

They try again 154/102.

YAY me and the power of mind control.

Next is where it really went wrong.

Tomorrow.  Part II. Promise.

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:  WomanonPauseFineFotosAndWines.com