The Journey

 

 

In this life, I have found that I struggle.  I struggle in my journey to be the person that I want to be.

I change diets, lifestyles, exercise plans (or lack there of), I have quit smoking 3 times for significant amounts of time, but go back.  I have tried meditating, I have bought grown folk coloring books, I have written, I have sketched, I have painted. (Not my thing.  I suck at painting.)

I have had my hair super short, then grown it out super long.  I have now done this 5 times over 10 years.  I try and be super social and go out whenever asked and then get emotionally overwhelmed and need a week alone feeling worn out and used up.  Recharge my social battery so to speak.  I am truly an introvert who loves people and learned how to fake being a semi-extrovert.

I have changed jobs every two years 85% of my working life, which is 17 years.  I have not worked to stay at home with the kids and found myself bored.  I have started my own company and saw it grow and flourish.  I was active all day which is a miracle for someone with back issues and a thrice operated on hip. (I always wanted to use the word thrice.  I hope I did it justice.)  I also saw it ripped away at the hands of someone I cared about who I have cut totally from my life.  If being the daughter of a hardcore heroin addict teaches you anything, it is “Cut and Run.  Don’t look back.”  It takes me way too long to decide to detach from toxic relationships.  But when I do, I’m out never to return.

All of these things, all of these inner conflicts, the planning, the procrastination, the fear.  And truly after all of this it hit me this morning during my coffee on my front porch.

It’s all part of the Journey.  And that’s ok.  I think, that no matter how discombobulated my head is as long as I am always trying, experimenting, attempting to be better, then I am just fine.

Isn’t that just the most lovely thing you’ve ever heard.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS I don’t care if not one person reads this.  It brought me tears of joy to write.

Two Steps Forward…

6,941,023 steps back.

Ok, perhaps that is an exaggeration.  I googled it and that is over 500 miles.  I didn’t fall that far off the diet wagon.  But Lawdy did I fall.  It was all totally worth it though.  Great friends, some great BBQ, a fun evening out and about and then 3 bowls of macaroni and cheese the next day.

Three
Bowls.

It was Sooo good.  And I figured, if I fell off the wagon, I should just crawl under it with a vat of homemade mac and cheese and make a day of it.

And that’s what I did.  But, I also washed my car inside and out and with all of the leaves and weird pollen pods everywhere I burned off at least 1/2 bowl of 1 serving of Mac. My car was a hot mess.  I knew it was bad, but until I got really into cleaning it I didn’t realize what a disaster the falling leaves and gunk had done to the crevices of my vehicle.

leafy

Ick.

But with the cleansing of the vehicle I felt cleansed.  It is nice to make a fresh start for Monday.  Back at it, no matter how far behind I fall.

I wish all of you have a wonderful Monday.  And don’t be sad it’s Monday, be happy that we didn’t get obliterated by a Chinese Satellite last night.

*Score*

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo/Gif/Video Credits:
https://giphy.com/gifs/S4UcmRN9fIoCY/links..
http://forums.mbclub.co.uk/threads/caption-competition.95234/page-666.
https://mashable.com/2014/05/16/russian-space-rocket-explodes/#IoAYfvtshqqt.

Weak Sauce

For the last week I have been talking with some friends, ironically in a secret group on Facebook, about leaving Facebook.  After a lot of contemplation I decided to deactivate my account.  Not delete.  I have too many pictures to delete.  This is just the beginning of the weakness.  Buckle up, it gets weak as hell soon.

Weak sauce

Let me go back.  I know that my information was harvested or farmed out or whatever it is called.  (I sure hope my data enjoys living on the farm, all the space in the world to run, play with other data.)
I know that Facebook didn’t do enough to stop it.  And if I’m understanding correctly it swayed the election. Which means that:

Trump = Tracy Enid Flick
Cambridge Analytical =Mr. McAllister
American People = Mr. McAllister’s Wife

Election

But that’s not 100% why I wanted to walk away.  I wanted to walk away because it seems, I hate people.  Not all people, of course.  I have “Snoozed” dozens over the last few months.  And the meme’s about guns and bombs and “Oh so we should just ban bombs right??, just keep coming.  And every time I see one, I verbally assault the screen, and then snooze or delete them.

I get you have your opinions.  Coolio.  But to make jokes about kids or people dying to prove your point.  Not Fucking OK.  Never FUCKING ok.  Think before you speak you fucking asshole.  Think before you share fake news sites.  Just look at the damned link.  Do you really think this “Breaking News Article” about how the Government is coming to your home in 3 days to take your AR’s, your rifles, your pistols, your steak knives, grandma’s knitting needles, etc. Do you REALLY believe that?

durkadrr
“ThYDRRKURGRNS”

And a quick FYI.  https://fauxnoos.com isn’t a real news site.  Just take a moment and THINK.

That being said, I am not in a position to judge. (Even though I am totally judging.) I say this because I try not to post political things.  Because I want to talk to my Great Aunt again, or that guy I see at Publix at least once a month.  But, no matter how  vanilla I keep things, everyone keeps vomiting fake websites, and meme’s essentially making a joke or jab at dead kids.  Or God forbid, kids who are fed up and had the marbles to say something about it.  I am not in a position to judge because I did deactivate.

It lasted 4 hours.

I had to reactivate because…

CC
Yep.  Candy Crush.  Enter the Weaksauce.  Look, you  judge me all you want.  But every day after I get off work, I sit on my front porch and play that game until I run out of lives. About 15 minutes. It is relaxing, it is quiet, and I like it.  But if you don’t have facebook to link the game to, you will lose your progress.

*Sigh*
Whatever. I tried.

As always,

Woman on Pause

*Side note:  I did delete the app and messenger from my phone.  So I can’t go on there unless I REAALLLLLLLLLLLLLY try.  And my motivation was to step away from getting angry for no good damned reason.  They can express all day long.  I just don’t have to look at it.

*2nd Side Note: I believe in the right to bear arms.  So take whatever may be thrown my way over that Southpark picture, and stuff it.

 

Photo Credits:

https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/1826195-weak-sauce
https://wondersinthedark.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/95-election-1999/

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.king.candycrushsaga

Shifty

I am trying to be a better person.  Not for anyone, just for me.  This is something that has rooted up the last few years.  A nagging that I can be better.  And I should be better.  That improving who I am, will directly affect everyone around me in a positive manner.

I have been reading, “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson.

subtle

This is one book I wish I had bought a physical copy of instead of an audio book.  It has such wonderful gems in it I want to be able to go back to them and remind myself why I am changing, why it sucks to change, but why to keep with it.

It has quotes like this gem,
“Decision-making based on emotional intuition, without the aid of reason to keep it in line, pretty much always sucks. You know who bases their entire lives on their emotions? Three-year-old kids. And dogs. You know what else three-year-olds and dogs do? Shit on the carpet.”

And
“Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance. Seriously,”

It is one of those books that you hope will always stay with you.  It helps with a paradigm shift.  I need paradigm shifts.  I need a lot of them and in high doses.

Paradigm shifts are the things that help me hit my reset button.  The button that is BEGGING to be pushed, screaming out, PUHLEEEZE Sarah, HIT ME!  But I all hear is, “Worry, anxiety, complaining, pettiness, complacency” But that is the button talking.  It is manifesting itself in the above ways.  It takes me forever to figure out that all that worry and head clogging nonsense needs to be shook up and looked at in a different way.  A healthier way.  A Better way.

This book has helped a lot in that pursuit.

So in the meantime, I will be shaking things up on the path to Self Awareness. No matter how long and scary that path may be.

As always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit:   I tried to credit this photo.  When I paste the link the photo pops up.  So, hopefully if you click that photo it will pop up where I copied this pic. Weird…

Gut Check – 2016 Edition

A friend of mine did a great year in review, and I had already been tossing around the notion of doing one myself.

So here it is.

2016 – A Year in Review

It has been one helluva year.  Amirite?  I could get into all the political things.  But we all know how that one played out.  We are currently in the prequel to “Idiocracy” the movie. If you haven’t seen it, check it out.  The resemblance is unsettling.

trump

Am I worried about an over-sized Cheeto, an egomaniac dipwad being our president?  Of course I am.  Honestly, I don’t think Hillary would do much better, but this will be something to watch that’s for sure.

*Gets Popcorn & Prays*

He has definitely cornered the meme game.

toupee

 

That’s enough of that.  Oh wait, we have 4 more years.

God save us all.

Outside of that, I watched a toddler transform overnight into a grown man.  My son.  I love him with all of my heart but he is knee deep in teenagerdom.  I am currently embarrassing, stupid, too loud, crazy, embarrassing, clingy, overbearing and did I mention embarrassing?  This was the year when he literally started to look like a grown up. It is an amazing thing to witness.  It also makes me cry a little.  But this is part of what I signed up for.

collage

It should be noted these pictures are two and a half years apart.  The top photos are Easter 2014.  It is now Christmas 2016.  He is 6′ tall with a size 13 shoe.  In the top picture I am taller.  I am 5’6″ In 2.5 years he has grown 6 inches.  Mostly in the last 6 months.

I knew it was coming.  I was told.  But nothing could prepare me to realize that I have a man at my breakfast table.  Eating lucky charms.

I am also celebrating my 6th year of marriage.  Next year is 7 years. I have never been in a relationship this long.  We have been though so much and while marriage is not easy, I know that I am married to my best friend.  Do we argue? Yes.  Often? No.  We have our differences and we go through life’s hurdles like everyone else?  Of course.  Being married is easy.  Staying married is hard.  It is sacrifice and compromise.  It is tolerance and forgiveness.  It is love with frustration and patience with gratitude. At the end of the day I wouldn’t want to go through this crazy journey with anyone else.


#TeamCason

So many wonderful things have happened this year.  My Stephen not only joined the Navy but also got engaged to his Love Nicolette.  I am so proud of the man he is becoming right before my eyes. He was 13 when I first met him and he has become such an amazing man.  I almost typed young man, but that isn’t the case anymore.

He is 20.

*Sigh.

Also, Jillian has proven to be a force to be reckoned with.  She is amazing. She works, she starts Art Clubs, and Drama Clubs, she has all AP Classes, she is applying to college, and she still works on her art portfolio while baking up the yummiest things.  She is kicking ass and taking names.  I couldn’t be prouder.

j

And last but not ever least, Brett.  Brett has thrived in Middle School and is going out for the Track team.  He has straight A’s this semester and is growing into a handsome young man. Seriously, he is one good lookin kid.

b

My life is chaotic.  I work part time, I am staring a business, which by the way I am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED about.  More on that to come.

I am a mom, I am a wife, I am many things all day long.  I try and keep everyone happy and sane.  That’s my job.  Being able to write and explore my passions makes things crazier, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At the end of the day, at the end of 2016, I am grateful.  Stressed, but grateful.  Thankful to have a hand in these kids lives. Thankful to have the opportunity to make sure their needs are met.  Thankful to watch them grow and thrive.  While also exploring my new ventures.

I hope that 2016, while insane, found you in Peace.  I hope you are going forward and not reflecting backwards.  I hope that for all of you, you have what I have.

Love.

That’s what makes the world go round.

 

 

As Always & Until 2017,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credits (In Order):
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/990/005/721.jpg.
http://15858-presscdn-0-65.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/1-donald-trump-meme-get-in-pussy-making-america-great-again1.jpg..

 

F*king Focus

You know how you are walking through life, and things get tangled.  It doesn’t necessarily happen in one moment.  It is many many moments building up, until one day you sit down and realize that you are focusing on all the wrong things.  Somehow in the hum drum of daily life you have ever so slightly steered yourself in the wrong direction.

Similar to how you are driving to work, and you are jammin to that song that you love, or reallllly into the new audio book you have been dying to finish, and you look up and you are in your parking spot.  How in the hell did I get here?  I literally don’t remember driving here the last 15 minutes of the trip.

It is similar to that.  Gliding along in life, every now and again barely leaning towards the right.  So subtle.  You never even notice.  Until you wake up one day and realize you are completely off track.

That’s where I am today.  Off track. Focusing my energy and my time and my life on things that just don’t deserve this much of my time.

So.  I am working on keeping focused on the things that matter.  Starting this new business is something that matters to me.  Nurturing my marriage is important to me.  Spending time with my kids is super important to me.

I figure since my last post had 5 views, this boring blog to all tens of my followers isn’t too bad.

It is a benchmark for me.  A reminder.

Focus.

 

As always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

So Many Balls

Again with the dirty minds…

I feel as if I have 4,822 balls in the air.

 

I have my normal part time job, I am starting a business with a friend, I am trying to write again, Christmas, Kids, Grocery Shopping, Flat tire, Fractured Rib…

I’m going to stop right there.

Let me explain.  I went to the doctor yesterday for this horrible pain in my side.  After my evaluation, she said I have either a separated muscle in my rib cage, or a fractured rib. When my PA asked how this could happen, I explained that a couple of weeks back, there was an entire week that I woke up coughing. Coughing and hacking as if I was trying to regurgitate Satan himself from my lungs. And one morning I felt a *pop.*  She looked me in the eye and said, “You’re going to need to come up with a better story than that.  That is the most boring way I have ever heard to break a rib.”

We decided that I am going to stick with either;  I was running into a burning building to save the elderly and some puppies and in my sheer determination to save lives I managed to break a rib.  Or she said, just blame it on a bar fight.  Anything but your boring cough.

She laughed, I laughed, then I screamed bloody murder with pain from the hot molten knife that was twisting in my side.

 

Good times.

Today is better.  But not great.  I still went to work, I still did laundry, I still cleaned up and I will still do all the things.  But I will not be doing anything strenuous in nature for the next two weeks.  So the bungee jumping extravaganza clearly needs to be rescheduled.

Bummer.

I am still hanging in there.

2016, you won’t take me alive!

As Always,
Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gif Credit: https://33.media.tumblr.com/17f4dd5253033ab8e551147f47a3f7f0/tumblr_mucmrbGaiY1shxe70o1_500.gif.

https://media.giphy.com/media/nxOaaHzTdDVSg/giphy.gif.

IRS Hangover

Part 1.- Kinda…

Recap, click above.

We were assigned a “Taxpayer Advocate” and were told that we did check one box on the “New HealthCare Credit” box incorrectly.  Which is fine.  Except it cut our return in half.  But that is fine too.

So, why did it take one woman, our Taxpayer Advocate, 4.6 minutes to figure this out but the IRS itself has had 118 days (and counting) and STILL isn’t sure what’s going on.

Whatever. It’s better than, “Well maam, you have to wait 6 weeks for us to not respond. Then send a letter saying we didn’t respond.  Then we have 9 weeks to review your letter and then respond.”

Wha….

Bite me.

IRS

So in light of all of this and some other sticky messy life things going on, I have decided to focus on my health.  (I really wish you could all see the look on my face as I eat this apple while typing.)

It is a snarl.  An actual snarl.

I have quit smoking, walked 2 miles this morning before 9am, and am going to stop filling my face hole with twinkie type products and buckets full of pasta.  I am currently marinating chicken boobies to grill up later and put over a salad. Yep, if I’m getting healthy, I’m taking the entire family with me.

I don’t have a weight goal per se.

I am trying to fix the problem area I can only describe as, “Chantix is killing my sleep so I am comfort eating while consuming massive amounts of caffeine and I feel like a 10 day old vat of unchanged grease at the Captain D’s.”

It’s like the Paleo diet but with less bragging.

Kale

So to recap:
No cigarettes
No junk food
No Sleep
No IRS Return

Wish me luck.

Or just wish I don’t murder someone (With my biting wit.) Yeah, that’s what I meant.

 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

Photo Credits
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy1iY2FhYWM1ZTBkYmM1MDQz.png.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/73/f3/c4/73f3c4becea9c908c6eb9e5674561bc5.jpg.

 

My Love Affair. The IRS Version.

I am 38 years old.  I have been filing taxes since I was 17.  That is 21 years of tax love between me and the IRS.  If the IRS and I had a baby it would be of legal drinking age this year.  I have a feeling she would be a difficult child.

21

I would hope that child would get my sense of humor and the IRS’s knack for numbers.

I am trying to have a sense of humor regarding my taxes.  I am waiting on a sizable refund and short story long, we submitted 01/30/16.  They flagged us, then admitted it was their mistake, and said they would reprocess.  That takes me to today.  04/04/16.  Over 65 days since we filed.  I am making my weekly call as we speak.  Trying to understand, trying to be patient.

Trying

hurry

I am currently listening to the soothing sound of IRS hold music while trying as hard as I can to remember not to have a single SMIDGE of attitude towards whomever gets my call.  Because last person you want to piss off is the IRS.  Hell we didn’t even do anything incorrectly and our 3K is being held hostage.

Held just because…

Current time on Hold:  22 Minutes

Talking to a lovely woman (no sarcasm) but have again been placed on hold
Current time on Hold: 32 Minutes

This being my 4th call, we just found out that they had our wrong address.  Which is TOTES weird since, A. We filed with our current (new) address.  And B. I have made 4 other filth flarn and filth calls and this has NEVER come up.

I am trying so hard to let this go.  But, we never received a notification there was a problem (we still have a mail forward in, so we would have received it) we keep calling, being reassured it isn’t our fault.  And they’re working on it.

I have decided it has been placed upon the desk of a person I can only assume, unfortunately had a rather nasty attack of Shingles, and has been out of the office since 2/22/16.

desk
My return is in the 2nd stack to the left under the black folder.  I can see my name.

I swear it is lost.  None of this makes any sense.

I was just told there is NOTHING they can do.  They are allowed the 9 weeks to reprocess my return.  Even if it is their fault.  And if it still has no movement by 4/11 then they have 45 days to research.  Dear LORD give me patience and liquor.

Current time on Hold: 45 minutes

I was given a number for a “Taxpayer Advocate” number. Estimated wait time 2-4 minutes with the Advocate.

Score!!!

I will keep everyone updated.  All 3 followers I have left because I have been chilling with Netflix and my head in the sand for the last 6 months.

PS. “Love” and “The Ranch” were surprisingly good series on Netflix.  Give em a shot.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

Photo Credits:
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/29/88/e7/2988e7540ba1131c4c3db00fddef4340.jpg.
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Untitled-1383.png.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/qmt-o97hykk/hqdefault.jpg.

Freaking Out

I was absolutely freaking out.  I will try and nutshell this.  Bear with me. Or is it bare?  Hell, I honestly don’t know.

I was diagnosed by an urgent care doctor with something called Trigeminal Neuralgia.  Essentially this is what Wikipedia said about it when I went to go see Dr. Google.

Trigeminal neuralgia (TN, or TGN), also known as prosopalgia, or Fothergill’s disease is a neuropathicdisorder characterized by episodes of intense pain in the face, originating from the trigeminal nerve. The clinical association between TN and hemifacial spasm is the so-called tic douloureux. It has been described as among the most painful conditions known to humankind.

After reading that and realizing I wasn’t insane for thinking my scalp, ear, and face were going to melt off in a volcanic type of pain, I made an appointment with a neurologist.

230px-Gray778
That is the face I make when it happens too.  I feel ya buddy.  

He sent me for an MRI and some blood work.  Cool Beans.

I went and got the MRI, again, Cool Beans.

It went with out incident.

One hour later the tech called me and said, “Hi, can you come back in immediately?”

(Now in full, “WTF” mode) I replied, “No.”  Because essentially fuck that.

Him – Well when CAN you come back in??
Me – After work tomorrow around 2:00pm.
Him – *Sigh* if that is the best you can do.
Me – Um, did I move and mess it up??
Him – No. (He literally said nothing else)
Me – Ok, so WHY??
Him – The radiologist needs more pictures.

Needless to say I made arrangements and found out I could go.  I called back and he asked how long until I got to the hospital.  I said 10 minutes.

During this drive I am freaking the fuck out.  The logical part of me knows it is nothing.  But the urgency this man is giving me has me almost positive I have a tumor and they are getting more images of said tumor.

I walk into the hospital at 4:15pm and he is waiting on me in the lobby.

**waiting on me**

He got me right in and then in 15 minutes I was done.

I spent the rest of the night doing all I could not to cry.  I had no one to talk to and my son was with me.  I didn’t want to freak him out.  So we played AlphaBear.  And then I went to bed.

I called the neurologist the next day and he was fuming mad that the tech did that.  He got a little snippy with me.  Which I don’t think was intentional.  He said, we would call you if something was wrong.  I told him logically I knew that but it still had me very freaked out.  I told him I would never follow up with you next day on an MRI but damn.  He agreed that the tech more than likely screwed up and had to get the remaining images WHILE I still had contrast in my system.

Asshole.

Why not just say that???  I would have been miffed but not scared of imminent death.

Needless to say, I think I still have the TN thing, but no TUMAHHHH.

Have mercy on my soul.

Still breathing, as always,

Woman on Pause

Wiki info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trigeminal_neuralgia.