Slippery Slope

Hola, my 4’s of followers.  Coming here to do what I do best.  Just kinda rant and mull about.  My bi yearly accountability post.

I have to admit the last 9 months have been a total shit show.  I mean one major tragedy after another.  (Luckily, no deaths *knock on wood* but bad shit) I would be remiss to even visit one aspect of what has happened.  It is all deeply personal and frankly, I’ve cried enough over the last SEVERAL months to last me a lifetime.

And, I didn’t come here to explain what happened.  I came here to say what I did about it.

I told myself to shut the hell up and fix it.  Not fix them.  Fix it.  “It” being me.

I became a whiny, bitching, sad sack of a woman.  I really did.  It was ugly.  I was just ill prepared for the feces tornado that entered my life and hung out for oh…

9 months.

As soon as I felt I had a grip on one thing, another thing.  Then when I tried to deal with both things, another thing.  And then when I was starting to feel beat down, two more things came.  And it was slowly wearing me down.  Like river rocks.  The water of life was rapidly turning me from a 50 pound rock into a 2 oz pebble.

And I knew it and I couldn’t stop it.  Too many things kept coming.  I lost myself totally.  I knew it was happening.  I warned everyone I was close to, “I’m not doing well.” I said it over and over.  “I’m REALLY not doing well.”  Until I would wake up in the morning with the most crippling anxiety.  Trying to breathe, hyperventilating, choking for air within 30 seconds of waking.

Every morning.

My shit was busted. I was broken. It was like watching myself from above, but not in that cool way people do in near death situations, more like me watching from the corner of a room arms crossed, disgusted with what I was watching myself turn into.  And I had no idea how to stop it.  I think the anxiety attacks every morning came from the crippling fear that a new day brought a new bad thing.  And I just couldn’t take anymore.

So I broke.  It wasn’t pretty.  It was mildly justified, but either way I broke.  Again, details are not the point, and frankly I’m not very proud.  So moving along.

After I broke though… (And I use the term “Broke” in the sense of I flipped my every loving shit. Not a mental break per se) But after I broke, I could breathe.  Little by little, day by day, I could breathe a bit more.  Then I felt guilty for losing my shit, and it started to creep back.  But I stopped it.  I stopped letting things happen to me and decided to steer this boat myself.  Fuck feeling like everything is happening and I have no control over any of it.  I felt that way for so long, it was such a weird spiral to go through, to watch myself go through.  Not again.  Fuck that.

So I made my amends for my shit losing and was not forgiven.  And while that sucks, it is going to have to be ok.  I hope one day amends can be made.  Until then though, I’ve got to keep moving.  I have to stay busy, be productive, read, do yoga, walk, work, anything.

*Note – I read the first book I read in a year on Sunday.  It was the best day.  I put my phone away and read the entire damned thing in one day.  It was awesome.  And was part of the beginning of me steering myself back onto course.

I think a lot of things compiled on me and I was so blindsided by each thing, and gobsmacked at the audacity of the Universe to throw every possible thing my way, one after the other, sometimes in two’s like on Noah’s Ark.  And truth be told, it could have been worse.  People have gone through worse.

But for me, they were all tragedies.  And I didn’t handle it well at all.  I am part to blame for that.  But I am also not part to blame for that.  I’m calling it Sarah 10% – Universe of Crappy situations 90%.  But as they kept coming the percentage of that would change.  Every time, it became more an issue that I wasn’t handling things well until at the end of the day, I was not handling one thing properly.  Not one damned thing.  I was slapping a smile on my face and doing the things that had to be done.  It was ugly.

Yesterday I almost slipped back into old habits.  Something upset me and I felt the anger and the resentment rise up in me like the worst thing that’s happened in 9 months happened 5 minutes ago.  And I stopped.  I recognized it.  I meditated. And I heard the best quote. ”

“Feeling the anger won’t hurt you or anyone else.”  I forgot anger was a feeling and not the 8lb Gremlin that lived in my soul. I felt like anger was something I had to fight, something that was eating me alive.  And it was.  Until I remembered, it is just a feeling.  And it’s ok to have those.  Just identify it, breathe through it, try and deal with it the best you can, then do your best to move past it.

But, I’m here on day 8 of not waking up feeling like Satan himself has his wretched hands around my throat trying to kill me dead. I feel a little better (myself) every day.

I will always be a work in progress but this last little bit about did me in.  Not in a morbid way, but in a mental way.  I wasn’t ok.  But I will be.

And that is all that matters.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Guns & Kids

guns

**Edited to add this headline from the NY Daily News click headline to link.**

After this last school shooting I was reminded of an idea I had 47 school shootings before.

Make schools like prisons.

Or maybe, at the least, like a courthouse.

But what about banning guns, Sarah?  That isn’t going to happen.  There should be stricter gun control laws and I believe semi-automatic guns should only be permitted after heavy vetting to groups that charge and are responsible to governmental guidelines and safety.  Solely to be used for hunting. And yes, I own a gun.

We should all be able to have our pistol or our shot gun.

But, let’s step back and imagine a USA with a total gun ban.  There are so many guns hidden, illegal, in plain sight for that matter anyone who wants one, will still get one.  From someone selling them illegally.  From, their parents, from their Uncle Jimbo who has a stockpile for when the Government was going to take his guns, just like he knew they would.  “Don’t you worry about it Dustin, you need something you just come to good ole Uncle Jimbo.” He has a ton in his underground prepper commune.

Now that we have the gun debate faced (as best as it can be for one paragraph) it is time to look at fixing the problem.  Kids getting guns and killing other kids with ease. Pissed off, mentally challenged kids, grab guns and walk into schools freely and kill.  Kill multiple kids.  KIDS.  Children.

So stop them from getting in.  Put metal detectors on one entrance and one entrance only.  Accompanied by 2 armed officers.

The HORROR.  Um, no, I had to pass through this back in August to renew my tag.

I recognize it will start a bottle neck getting kids to class, so open another entrance and make it the same.

We aren’t going to have gun reform any time soon.  Period.  So stop them from getting in.  Take some sort of actions.  Thoughts and prayers are the equivalent of saying Bless you when someone sneezes.  It does no good, doesn’t actually help, and is straight out perfunctory.  This is what I am going to suggest to my congressman and anyone else who will listen.

If they  have the resources to arm the teachers, instead of doing so, disarm the kids.

Disarm the kids.

DISARM THE KIDS.

I’m so tired of watching kids die.  And I am so tired of wondering if mine will when I send them to school.  It is a walking nightmare for everyone involved and NOTHING has happened.

nothing.

Pic Credit (Used for imagery not related to picture original content)
https://aspergerhuman.wordpress.com/category/domestication-2/page/43/

 

 

The Journey

 

 

In this life, I have found that I struggle.  I struggle in my journey to be the person that I want to be.

I change diets, lifestyles, exercise plans (or lack there of), I have quit smoking 3 times for significant amounts of time, but go back.  I have tried meditating, I have bought grown folk coloring books, I have written, I have sketched, I have painted. (Not my thing.  I suck at painting.)

I have had my hair super short, then grown it out super long.  I have now done this 5 times over 10 years.  I try and be super social and go out whenever asked and then get emotionally overwhelmed and need a week alone feeling worn out and used up.  Recharge my social battery so to speak.  I am truly an introvert who loves people and learned how to fake being a semi-extrovert.

I have changed jobs every two years 85% of my working life, which is 17 years.  I have not worked to stay at home with the kids and found myself bored.  I have started my own company and saw it grow and flourish.  I was active all day which is a miracle for someone with back issues and a thrice operated on hip. (I always wanted to use the word thrice.  I hope I did it justice.)  I also saw it ripped away at the hands of someone I cared about who I have cut totally from my life.  If being the daughter of a hardcore heroin addict teaches you anything, it is “Cut and Run.  Don’t look back.”  It takes me way too long to decide to detach from toxic relationships.  But when I do, I’m out never to return.

All of these things, all of these inner conflicts, the planning, the procrastination, the fear.  And truly after all of this it hit me this morning during my coffee on my front porch.

It’s all part of the Journey.  And that’s ok.  I think, that no matter how discombobulated my head is as long as I am always trying, experimenting, attempting to be better, then I am just fine.

Isn’t that just the most lovely thing you’ve ever heard.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

PS I don’t care if not one person reads this.  It brought me tears of joy to write.

Two Steps Forward…

6,941,023 steps back.

Ok, perhaps that is an exaggeration.  I googled it and that is over 500 miles.  I didn’t fall that far off the diet wagon.  But Lawdy did I fall.  It was all totally worth it though.  Great friends, some great BBQ, a fun evening out and about and then 3 bowls of macaroni and cheese the next day.

Three
Bowls.

It was Sooo good.  And I figured, if I fell off the wagon, I should just crawl under it with a vat of homemade mac and cheese and make a day of it.

And that’s what I did.  But, I also washed my car inside and out and with all of the leaves and weird pollen pods everywhere I burned off at least 1/2 bowl of 1 serving of Mac. My car was a hot mess.  I knew it was bad, but until I got really into cleaning it I didn’t realize what a disaster the falling leaves and gunk had done to the crevices of my vehicle.

leafy

Ick.

But with the cleansing of the vehicle I felt cleansed.  It is nice to make a fresh start for Monday.  Back at it, no matter how far behind I fall.

I wish all of you have a wonderful Monday.  And don’t be sad it’s Monday, be happy that we didn’t get obliterated by a Chinese Satellite last night.

*Score*

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo/Gif/Video Credits:
https://giphy.com/gifs/S4UcmRN9fIoCY/links..
http://forums.mbclub.co.uk/threads/caption-competition.95234/page-666.
https://mashable.com/2014/05/16/russian-space-rocket-explodes/#IoAYfvtshqqt.

Weak Sauce

For the last week I have been talking with some friends, ironically in a secret group on Facebook, about leaving Facebook.  After a lot of contemplation I decided to deactivate my account.  Not delete.  I have too many pictures to delete.  This is just the beginning of the weakness.  Buckle up, it gets weak as hell soon.

Weak sauce

Let me go back.  I know that my information was harvested or farmed out or whatever it is called.  (I sure hope my data enjoys living on the farm, all the space in the world to run, play with other data.)
I know that Facebook didn’t do enough to stop it.  And if I’m understanding correctly it swayed the election. Which means that:

Trump = Tracy Enid Flick
Cambridge Analytical =Mr. McAllister
American People = Mr. McAllister’s Wife

Election

But that’s not 100% why I wanted to walk away.  I wanted to walk away because it seems, I hate people.  Not all people, of course.  I have “Snoozed” dozens over the last few months.  And the meme’s about guns and bombs and “Oh so we should just ban bombs right??, just keep coming.  And every time I see one, I verbally assault the screen, and then snooze or delete them.

I get you have your opinions.  Coolio.  But to make jokes about kids or people dying to prove your point.  Not Fucking OK.  Never FUCKING ok.  Think before you speak you fucking asshole.  Think before you share fake news sites.  Just look at the damned link.  Do you really think this “Breaking News Article” about how the Government is coming to your home in 3 days to take your AR’s, your rifles, your pistols, your steak knives, grandma’s knitting needles, etc. Do you REALLY believe that?

durkadrr
“ThYDRRKURGRNS”

And a quick FYI.  https://fauxnoos.com isn’t a real news site.  Just take a moment and THINK.

That being said, I am not in a position to judge. (Even though I am totally judging.) I say this because I try not to post political things.  Because I want to talk to my Great Aunt again, or that guy I see at Publix at least once a month.  But, no matter how  vanilla I keep things, everyone keeps vomiting fake websites, and meme’s essentially making a joke or jab at dead kids.  Or God forbid, kids who are fed up and had the marbles to say something about it.  I am not in a position to judge because I did deactivate.

It lasted 4 hours.

I had to reactivate because…

CC
Yep.  Candy Crush.  Enter the Weaksauce.  Look, you  judge me all you want.  But every day after I get off work, I sit on my front porch and play that game until I run out of lives. About 15 minutes. It is relaxing, it is quiet, and I like it.  But if you don’t have facebook to link the game to, you will lose your progress.

*Sigh*
Whatever. I tried.

As always,

Woman on Pause

*Side note:  I did delete the app and messenger from my phone.  So I can’t go on there unless I REAALLLLLLLLLLLLLY try.  And my motivation was to step away from getting angry for no good damned reason.  They can express all day long.  I just don’t have to look at it.

*2nd Side Note: I believe in the right to bear arms.  So take whatever may be thrown my way over that Southpark picture, and stuff it.

 

Photo Credits:

https://www.teepublic.com/t-shirt/1826195-weak-sauce
https://wondersinthedark.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/95-election-1999/

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.king.candycrushsaga

Shifty

I am trying to be a better person.  Not for anyone, just for me.  This is something that has rooted up the last few years.  A nagging that I can be better.  And I should be better.  That improving who I am, will directly affect everyone around me in a positive manner.

I have been reading, “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson.

subtle

This is one book I wish I had bought a physical copy of instead of an audio book.  It has such wonderful gems in it I want to be able to go back to them and remind myself why I am changing, why it sucks to change, but why to keep with it.

It has quotes like this gem,
“Decision-making based on emotional intuition, without the aid of reason to keep it in line, pretty much always sucks. You know who bases their entire lives on their emotions? Three-year-old kids. And dogs. You know what else three-year-olds and dogs do? Shit on the carpet.”

And
“Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance. Seriously,”

It is one of those books that you hope will always stay with you.  It helps with a paradigm shift.  I need paradigm shifts.  I need a lot of them and in high doses.

Paradigm shifts are the things that help me hit my reset button.  The button that is BEGGING to be pushed, screaming out, PUHLEEEZE Sarah, HIT ME!  But I all hear is, “Worry, anxiety, complaining, pettiness, complacency” But that is the button talking.  It is manifesting itself in the above ways.  It takes me forever to figure out that all that worry and head clogging nonsense needs to be shook up and looked at in a different way.  A healthier way.  A Better way.

This book has helped a lot in that pursuit.

So in the meantime, I will be shaking things up on the path to Self Awareness. No matter how long and scary that path may be.

As always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit:   I tried to credit this photo.  When I paste the link the photo pops up.  So, hopefully if you click that photo it will pop up where I copied this pic. Weird…

Gut Check – 2016 Edition

A friend of mine did a great year in review, and I had already been tossing around the notion of doing one myself.

So here it is.

2016 – A Year in Review

It has been one helluva year.  Amirite?  I could get into all the political things.  But we all know how that one played out.  We are currently in the prequel to “Idiocracy” the movie. If you haven’t seen it, check it out.  The resemblance is unsettling.

trump

Am I worried about an over-sized Cheeto, an egomaniac dipwad being our president?  Of course I am.  Honestly, I don’t think Hillary would do much better, but this will be something to watch that’s for sure.

*Gets Popcorn & Prays*

He has definitely cornered the meme game.

toupee

 

That’s enough of that.  Oh wait, we have 4 more years.

God save us all.

Outside of that, I watched a toddler transform overnight into a grown man.  My son.  I love him with all of my heart but he is knee deep in teenagerdom.  I am currently embarrassing, stupid, too loud, crazy, embarrassing, clingy, overbearing and did I mention embarrassing?  This was the year when he literally started to look like a grown up. It is an amazing thing to witness.  It also makes me cry a little.  But this is part of what I signed up for.

collage

It should be noted these pictures are two and a half years apart.  The top photos are Easter 2014.  It is now Christmas 2016.  He is 6′ tall with a size 13 shoe.  In the top picture I am taller.  I am 5’6″ In 2.5 years he has grown 6 inches.  Mostly in the last 6 months.

I knew it was coming.  I was told.  But nothing could prepare me to realize that I have a man at my breakfast table.  Eating lucky charms.

I am also celebrating my 6th year of marriage.  Next year is 7 years. I have never been in a relationship this long.  We have been though so much and while marriage is not easy, I know that I am married to my best friend.  Do we argue? Yes.  Often? No.  We have our differences and we go through life’s hurdles like everyone else?  Of course.  Being married is easy.  Staying married is hard.  It is sacrifice and compromise.  It is tolerance and forgiveness.  It is love with frustration and patience with gratitude. At the end of the day I wouldn’t want to go through this crazy journey with anyone else.


#TeamCason

So many wonderful things have happened this year.  My Stephen not only joined the Navy but also got engaged to his Love Nicolette.  I am so proud of the man he is becoming right before my eyes. He was 13 when I first met him and he has become such an amazing man.  I almost typed young man, but that isn’t the case anymore.

He is 20.

*Sigh.

Also, Jillian has proven to be a force to be reckoned with.  She is amazing. She works, she starts Art Clubs, and Drama Clubs, she has all AP Classes, she is applying to college, and she still works on her art portfolio while baking up the yummiest things.  She is kicking ass and taking names.  I couldn’t be prouder.

j

And last but not ever least, Brett.  Brett has thrived in Middle School and is going out for the Track team.  He has straight A’s this semester and is growing into a handsome young man. Seriously, he is one good lookin kid.

b

My life is chaotic.  I work part time, I am staring a business, which by the way I am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED about.  More on that to come.

I am a mom, I am a wife, I am many things all day long.  I try and keep everyone happy and sane.  That’s my job.  Being able to write and explore my passions makes things crazier, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At the end of the day, at the end of 2016, I am grateful.  Stressed, but grateful.  Thankful to have a hand in these kids lives. Thankful to have the opportunity to make sure their needs are met.  Thankful to watch them grow and thrive.  While also exploring my new ventures.

I hope that 2016, while insane, found you in Peace.  I hope you are going forward and not reflecting backwards.  I hope that for all of you, you have what I have.

Love.

That’s what makes the world go round.

 

 

As Always & Until 2017,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credits (In Order):
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/990/005/721.jpg.
http://15858-presscdn-0-65.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/1-donald-trump-meme-get-in-pussy-making-america-great-again1.jpg..

 

F*king Focus

You know how you are walking through life, and things get tangled.  It doesn’t necessarily happen in one moment.  It is many many moments building up, until one day you sit down and realize that you are focusing on all the wrong things.  Somehow in the hum drum of daily life you have ever so slightly steered yourself in the wrong direction.

Similar to how you are driving to work, and you are jammin to that song that you love, or reallllly into the new audio book you have been dying to finish, and you look up and you are in your parking spot.  How in the hell did I get here?  I literally don’t remember driving here the last 15 minutes of the trip.

It is similar to that.  Gliding along in life, every now and again barely leaning towards the right.  So subtle.  You never even notice.  Until you wake up one day and realize you are completely off track.

That’s where I am today.  Off track. Focusing my energy and my time and my life on things that just don’t deserve this much of my time.

So.  I am working on keeping focused on the things that matter.  Starting this new business is something that matters to me.  Nurturing my marriage is important to me.  Spending time with my kids is super important to me.

I figure since my last post had 5 views, this boring blog to all tens of my followers isn’t too bad.

It is a benchmark for me.  A reminder.

Focus.

 

As always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

So Many Balls

Again with the dirty minds…

I feel as if I have 4,822 balls in the air.

 

I have my normal part time job, I am starting a business with a friend, I am trying to write again, Christmas, Kids, Grocery Shopping, Flat tire, Fractured Rib…

I’m going to stop right there.

Let me explain.  I went to the doctor yesterday for this horrible pain in my side.  After my evaluation, she said I have either a separated muscle in my rib cage, or a fractured rib. When my PA asked how this could happen, I explained that a couple of weeks back, there was an entire week that I woke up coughing. Coughing and hacking as if I was trying to regurgitate Satan himself from my lungs. And one morning I felt a *pop.*  She looked me in the eye and said, “You’re going to need to come up with a better story than that.  That is the most boring way I have ever heard to break a rib.”

We decided that I am going to stick with either;  I was running into a burning building to save the elderly and some puppies and in my sheer determination to save lives I managed to break a rib.  Or she said, just blame it on a bar fight.  Anything but your boring cough.

She laughed, I laughed, then I screamed bloody murder with pain from the hot molten knife that was twisting in my side.

 

Good times.

Today is better.  But not great.  I still went to work, I still did laundry, I still cleaned up and I will still do all the things.  But I will not be doing anything strenuous in nature for the next two weeks.  So the bungee jumping extravaganza clearly needs to be rescheduled.

Bummer.

I am still hanging in there.

2016, you won’t take me alive!

As Always,
Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gif Credit: https://33.media.tumblr.com/17f4dd5253033ab8e551147f47a3f7f0/tumblr_mucmrbGaiY1shxe70o1_500.gif.

https://media.giphy.com/media/nxOaaHzTdDVSg/giphy.gif.

IRS Hangover

Part 1.- Kinda…

Recap, click above.

We were assigned a “Taxpayer Advocate” and were told that we did check one box on the “New HealthCare Credit” box incorrectly.  Which is fine.  Except it cut our return in half.  But that is fine too.

So, why did it take one woman, our Taxpayer Advocate, 4.6 minutes to figure this out but the IRS itself has had 118 days (and counting) and STILL isn’t sure what’s going on.

Whatever. It’s better than, “Well maam, you have to wait 6 weeks for us to not respond. Then send a letter saying we didn’t respond.  Then we have 9 weeks to review your letter and then respond.”

Wha….

Bite me.

IRS

So in light of all of this and some other sticky messy life things going on, I have decided to focus on my health.  (I really wish you could all see the look on my face as I eat this apple while typing.)

It is a snarl.  An actual snarl.

I have quit smoking, walked 2 miles this morning before 9am, and am going to stop filling my face hole with twinkie type products and buckets full of pasta.  I am currently marinating chicken boobies to grill up later and put over a salad. Yep, if I’m getting healthy, I’m taking the entire family with me.

I don’t have a weight goal per se.

I am trying to fix the problem area I can only describe as, “Chantix is killing my sleep so I am comfort eating while consuming massive amounts of caffeine and I feel like a 10 day old vat of unchanged grease at the Captain D’s.”

It’s like the Paleo diet but with less bragging.

Kale

So to recap:
No cigarettes
No junk food
No Sleep
No IRS Return

Wish me luck.

Or just wish I don’t murder someone (With my biting wit.) Yeah, that’s what I meant.

 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

Photo Credits
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy1iY2FhYWM1ZTBkYmM1MDQz.png.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/73/f3/c4/73f3c4becea9c908c6eb9e5674561bc5.jpg.