I’m an A-Hole.

No really.  I look back on September 11th and think about that day as we all do.  And I am reminded that I am an asshole.  Not intentionally, but still.

I was 7 months pregnant and working when I heard a co-worker say a plane had hit a building.  Now, considering 9/11 hadn’t happened I truly thought it was some little Cesna that clipped something.  I never thought anyone would be dead or that catastrophe would soon follow.  But either way the thing I did next still haunts me.

I laughed.

I still cringe thinking about this reaction. It was an asshole thing to do even if it was a little plan that clipped something.  But for some reason that was my reaction.

Then everything began to unfold and it was horrific and ungodly and I didn’t know how to process it.  I asked to go home from work but was denied.  I asked to go home because my husband had just gotten home from the end of his tour in the Army (by tour I mean end of his obligation, his 3 years.  He never went to a war zone and fought.)  But since he was still technically in the Army I just knew they would call him back.  I knew it in my heart of hearts.

When I finally did arrive home I woke him up and told him what happened and he began to make phone calls.  He packed his ruck sack and got ready to get the call.

I went to my room and wrote him a letter from his unborn son to put in that bag.  Telling him that no matter what happens he has his son and his wife waiting on him and that we are so very proud of him.

But I’m still an asshole.  I was still just worried about me.  I can say that it is because I didn’t know anyone effected by 9/11 directly.  I didn’t know anyone in NY or anyone who worked in the Pentagon.  I was only worried about me and that is an asshole thing to do.

But as the news sank in about all the lives lost about the bravery of men and women who rushed in to help and in turn gave their lives for others I wept.  I wept for about 24 hours straight.  They kept playing the footage of the plane crashing into the buildings over and over.  I cried imagining the fear they all must have felt, knowing this was it. Knowing they would never get a chance to say goodbye.  Knowing this was the end.

I share this because every year I have made a point to remember.  While my story sticks out in my mind, I also make sure and remember those who lost their lives in a cowardice act of terrorism.  All of those people and their friends and family who lost someone that day.  I commemorate this day each year because it deserves it.  Every year I am on this earth I will remember.  I will say a prayer for those who this day means loss and heartache and painful personal memories.  I will pray that they find peace and comfort.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Crap.

I just deleted this entire post.  It was typed out and ready to go. 

It was crap.

Instead the truth.
I came here to say, that this blog and writing has been weighing heavily on my mind.  I hate I haven’t posted and am determined to do so more often.

I hope all of you are well and promise to bring crap free fun, asap. 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Go Shorty

It’s my Birthday. Gonna party like it’s my Birthday.  Well actually, I plan on taking my son to Football practice and then curling up with a movie. 

Same thing right?  😉

Sorry I have been MIA but last week was a big old Bitch.  Not just because the kids went back to school and chaos ensued but there were some serious bumps in the road.  And whenever I go through major bumps it takes me around 72 hours to come out the other side. 

It is just my process. 

But, I have in fact come out the other side and feeling good.  I turn 37 today and while I thought for quite some time I was turning 38 (Who Does THAT?!?!) I am feeling really good in my skin.  I am not freaking out about 40 looming or any age.  I feel good.  And I have some things coming down the pike.  That gets me all excited as well.

I am merely checking in and hoping you all have a wonderful day.  After my 72 hour hurricane of constant thought and stress I showered, blow dried my hair, did my nails and WHATTTT… put on make up.  I decided that if I wanted to feel better during times of duress I needed to look the part.

And I took a picture.  Because frankly, it is rare to see me out of yoga pants and ponytails. And dammit I felt pretty.  The quality isn’t great but I am not good with the filters and the hashtags and all this new fangled crap on my phone.

And further proof I am not a 68 year old man who blogs in his underwear. 

Sarah 37
(As of this posting I am back in yoga pants.  It couldn’t last.) 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

Checkbooks, Glass, and Staples OH MY!

This is another one of those posts that I am just word vomiting all over the place to purge. Proceed with caution.

 

I have told my husband for the last 10 days it feels as if the Universe is poking me with a stick.

 

 photo poke.gif

 

I am not doing anything wrong to get the karma train to run me over. I am still doing normal stuff but the stuff coming back at me is very very icky.

First example. I tried to start our checkbook register. Wait, I know. You don’t have to tell me. We should have had this years ago. I know this. I was flat out phobic from doing it myself for years but we decided to give it a go. It is extraordinarily difficult to start a checkbook without knowing what your beginning balance is. But I did it.

Needless to say I was off by $120.00 and that blows hard. It feels like I lost it.  As if it were in my pocket and I dropped it in the Target parking lot.   I also know that I won’t TRULY know if I am on point until our statement comes out.  **Fingers Crossed**

*Sigh*

 

Then this happened.

NOOOOOOO

This is the glass piece to my french press.  I don’t own a coffee machine or a kuerig or what ever it is called.  I like my french press.  Now it is kaput.  And that gives me the sads.  Because I love coffee.  I really, really, love coffee.  So I ended up googling how to make it without a coffee maker.  And it was odd to say the least.  But it worked (OK I suppose) but I am still in mourning.

RIP – Giver of warm “Get up and get em” juice.

Then… Oh then….

My kids who are 12 and 9 love to play in our neighborhood.  They stay on this street and it is filled with kids.  So, they were quite bored the other day and I allowed them to go out for an hour or two.  They check in and I realize I still need to cook, so I say, “Go on out for another hour but in at 7:30pm for dinner.”

Ten minutes later my 12 year old runs in.  B is bleeding!!!  Now my 9 year old has scrapes all the time so I wasn’t concerned too much.  Until I hit the driveway and he says the following:

“He got hit in the head with a bat.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT??????!?!?!?!”

I almost passed out.

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I gather up the side of my skirt, kick off my shoes and run like I am being chased.  My athletic 12 year old couldn’t catch me.  I then see my 9 year old on all fours blood all over his face.  (And I MEAN ALL OVER IT.  Totally red.  Not a stream.  A RIVER of blood.)  And a pool of it on the concrete.
*I should note here when one sees their child like this they loose at LEAST 3 years off their life.  AT LEAST.

I proceed to look at the mom who had a towel on his head next to him as to say, “Is it as bad as it looks???”  She gives me a response look and shoulder shrug that unfortunately at this juncture she isn’t totally sure.

Oh Dear God.

I have her remove the towel an there is just blood everywhere.  I see the gash about an inch in the back crown part of the head.  I ask how many fingers am I holding up, etc. etc.  He gets it and seems coherent.  I ask if he lost consciousness.  She tells me no.  I scoop him up and off to the ER we go.

I drive fast and run lights.  I can’t breathe but trying to smile so neither child starts to freak out.

He is fine.  2 staples.  It was much more superficial than it seemed.  The blood made it look much worse.  No concussion he is gravy.

But damn.  I had a literal adrenaline headache for 3 hours after we got back.  It hurt.

 

There is a laundry list of things that have taken a turn like this.  It seems to just keep happening.  Every other day or so.

Poke

Poke

Poke

I don’t know if Mercury is in retrograde or if I lost some sort of karmic lottery I didn’t know I entered or what the deal is.

But I am just going to put my head down and try and push past this icky cosmic goo and hope it is just temporary.

Because one of these days I am going to poke back.  And Lord help anyone if it comes to that.

😉

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit:
http://media2.giphy.com/media/MuyiRP751nq2A/giphy.gif.
http://media1.giphy.com/media/XeMp0onMZQZgY/giphy.gif.

Brain Soup

This is my brain right now.
 photo brain.gif

While this may seem a bit extreme it is kind of true.  (And truth be told I have loved this gif since the beginning of time and use it as often as possible.)

I am trying to negotiate with said brain on how to get back on track.  I spent the last two months doing nothing and it made me feel icky.

I am the kind of person who can’t sit still for more than fifteen minutes.  Two months kinda messed with my brain a bit.

So I did all the things.  And as my last post stated, it is still too soon to do all the things.  I have to find a happy medium.

So I am going back to writing.  I can’t sit for long periods of time either (hip not ADHD) but I have to start to do SOMETHING.

I was texting with a friend about trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and upcoming classes I will be taking and I mentioned I didn’t feel passionate about much of anything right now.

And she said, “You do about writing.  And you are good at it.”

I don’t know about the end part, but it reignited a flame that I had blown out about a month before surgery.

So I am committing.  And making that choice has made me now feel like this.

Mighty_mouse_small

 

And that is a good thing.

More to come…

 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credit:  http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g373/paxpinnae/COMEDY-2.gif.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_k9mUv3KvFh0/SDOxoRPDSnI/AAAAAAAAAl8/n_gWqldPyRY/s320/Mighty_mouse_small.jpg.

 

 

Thanks.

Woke up this morning feeling like this…

 photo Hill.gif

Why you ask?  Because this was in my notifications.

 

500!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I can’t believe I hit this milestone.  For several reasons.

One, I didn’t even know I was close to this number.  Not something I notice or track.  Secondly, it came on a day that I wrote for Friday Fictioneers and received such wonderful feedback on the story I wrote.  It helps stoke the writing fire.  I do not want fame or fortune from this blog or from my writing.  I just want to write.  I want my family and friends to enjoy it.  But I want to be better at it. I want to feel more confident in what I am creating.  This helped so much.

Thank you to those who have chartered this journey with me.  Those who are reading my, sometimes insane word vomit, and then checking in when I finally write something.

I have met so many wonderful people through this blog and I am grateful beyond words.

 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

GIF Credit:  http://s1222.photobucket.com/user/5thmisguided/media/jonah-hill-excited_zpsd542a66e.gif.html.

Cooking MCs like a pound of Bacon

This is going to be a bit of a mess.

Buckle up.

Image

I am a bit scattered brained.

And I will start with an example.  I was in the car thinking about this exact post.  And I thought of something funny that I now can’t remember.

Go figure.

Then I started thinking about how I am going to the doctor tomorrow to decide when I will get my hip surgery.  And then how I will be back in college in May.  So now I have a deadline.  For something.  Anything.  Deadlines are good for me.  I seem to need some sort of structure.  My exact thought was, “You have so many unfinished stories, so many ideas, your brain moves too fast and never finishes a damned thing.  I need to put a fine point on SOMETHING.”

Then my brain produced this while trying to think of a title to this post… (I can’t make this up)

“Fine point…no.

Straight to the Point… no.

Quick to the point….

Quick to the point, to the point no faking
Cooking MCs like a pound of bacon
Burnin’ ‘em, if you aint quick and nimble
I go crazy when I hear a cymbal
And a hi hat, with a souped up tempo
I’m on a roll, it’s time to go solo*

*Sigh*

Then I thought three things.

1. I hope everyone’s mind works this way but no one talks about it.

2. What does Cookin MC’s like a pound of bacon REALLY mean and who cooks an entire pound of Bacon??

3. I hope this blog doesn’t serve as evidence in any future Commitment Hearings.

 

There is really no point to this post other than some days I feel a bit crazy from being so scatter brained.  And the fact that the lyrics to this song plus millions of others pop into my head at the most random times it is sometimes frighting.  Oh and also TV theme songs, they weave in and out of my thoughts more than I would care to admit.  Especially the theme to the Facts of Life and Greatest American Hero.

*I hope that everyone knows what the lyrics above were all about.  If not, then here’s an early Birthday present.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:
http://themetapicture.com/buckle-up-little-timmy/

It is a Thanksgiving Miracle

I am typing this, not from the computer that throws up the blue screen of death every 7.5 minutes, but from a laptop my mother so graciously loaned me.

THANK YOU Baby Turkey.

I haven’t been able to write, blog, or do much of anything without constantly saving my work because it was going to die at any minute.  I have blogged here an there when it wasn’t being a temperamental little bitch.  But even then I was never sure when it was getting ready to be the blue screen of damnation and unsaved work.

This week has been a whirlwind of craziness anyway.   I let the boys stay home from school on Tuesday.  Something I have never ever done.  So I have been knee deep in children now for 5 days straight.  At one point there were 5 children here.  Ages, 17, 16, 13, 11 & 8.

I swear I have been feeding an army for 5 days.  They eat all of the things.  All of the time.

But it has been great to see family though.  I take my two step kids home tomorrow.  Three hour drive there, hopefully a three hour drive back.  Depends on how many fine folks I encounter when I am headed northbound on my return journey.

I will have my snacks, and my new Stephen King Audio Book, “Doctor Sleep” to keep me company so I am not too worried.  😉

I hope you all have had a wonderful Thanksgiving and be prepared to hear a lot more from me.

El YAY!

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

A Week of Ick

Where o where have I been?  Oh let’s see.

Last week, was clearly not keen on a ghost from my past trying to show its face.  It wasn’t even Halloween…  Again my apologies.

I also recently posted that I am trying to lose weight.  So, I dusted off my Wii fit and decided to slowly ease into trying to get a bit more flexible, etc.

Bad move.

My back went out after two ten-minute sessions two days apart.  *Sigh*

I also played a Trivial Pursuit with the hubs which caused leaning over and that might have been it too.

Sore back, no worries, have been there before.

But then..

My 8 year old complained Saturday of a tummy ache.  I watched what he ate and all seemed well.  Fast forward to Monday Morning.  My 11 year old complains of upset stomach.  I myself had some intestinal discomfort, I assured him it would pass, as mine did the night before.  He would be fine, just take it easy.

I get a text seven minutes after he left for the bus, “I can’t take it, please come get me.”

I am thinking he is trying to get out of a Monday at school.  I begrudgingly head to the bus stop.  When I arrive, he is doubled over and puking.  In front of all of his friends and a gaggle of High School kids.

In lieu of all Mother of the year awards, I will take a swift kick in the ass.

Image

Because  that is what I felt like, an ass.

Apologizing the ENTIRE way, I take care of him until around 1pm.  That was when I started puking my guts out.  And then again until 4pm when my Husband started puking HIS guts out.

Great.

So today is the first day since Saturday I have felt remotely human.  We all seem to have flown past this fall’s inevitable stomach bug, (KNOCK ON WOOD x Infinity) and have come out the other end.  No pun intended.

My back is still dicey, but I am sitting here typing so that says something about my pending full recovery.

I also made banana bread, and updated the 4 year old pictures on our electronic picture frame thing.  I did this to update but mostly I am sick of seeing my formerly slim self.  (Of which I might add, I thought I needed to lose weight then.  Not so much.)

So, I am still on soup and bland foods and am hoping if nothing else this little adventure into hurl-land will help me get off the path of carbs, fried foods, etc. and spring board me back onto healthier eating, if nothing else by default. A diet re-set button of sorts.

Image
(I don’t exactly feel the way the above states, but kinda.  I am all for taking advantage of opportunities. No matter how icky.)

Tomorrow Halloween.  Another post altogether.

Tricks, Treats, and All that good stuff,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits: