Shifty

I am trying to be a better person.  Not for anyone, just for me.  This is something that has rooted up the last few years.  A nagging that I can be better.  And I should be better.  That improving who I am, will directly affect everyone around me in a positive manner.

I have been reading, “The Subtle Art of not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson.

subtle

This is one book I wish I had bought a physical copy of instead of an audio book.  It has such wonderful gems in it I want to be able to go back to them and remind myself why I am changing, why it sucks to change, but why to keep with it.

It has quotes like this gem,
“Decision-making based on emotional intuition, without the aid of reason to keep it in line, pretty much always sucks. You know who bases their entire lives on their emotions? Three-year-old kids. And dogs. You know what else three-year-olds and dogs do? Shit on the carpet.”

And
“Being open with your insecurities paradoxically makes you more confident and charismatic around others. The pain of honest confrontation is what generates the greatest trust and respect in your relationships. Suffering through your fears and anxieties is what allows you to build courage and perseverance. Seriously,”

It is one of those books that you hope will always stay with you.  It helps with a paradigm shift.  I need paradigm shifts.  I need a lot of them and in high doses.

Paradigm shifts are the things that help me hit my reset button.  The button that is BEGGING to be pushed, screaming out, PUHLEEEZE Sarah, HIT ME!  But I all hear is, “Worry, anxiety, complaining, pettiness, complacency” But that is the button talking.  It is manifesting itself in the above ways.  It takes me forever to figure out that all that worry and head clogging nonsense needs to be shook up and looked at in a different way.  A healthier way.  A Better way.

This book has helped a lot in that pursuit.

So in the meantime, I will be shaking things up on the path to Self Awareness. No matter how long and scary that path may be.

As always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit:   I tried to credit this photo.  When I paste the link the photo pops up.  So, hopefully if you click that photo it will pop up where I copied this pic. Weird…

Gut Check – 2016 Edition

A friend of mine did a great year in review, and I had already been tossing around the notion of doing one myself.

So here it is.

2016 – A Year in Review

It has been one helluva year.  Amirite?  I could get into all the political things.  But we all know how that one played out.  We are currently in the prequel to “Idiocracy” the movie. If you haven’t seen it, check it out.  The resemblance is unsettling.

trump

Am I worried about an over-sized Cheeto, an egomaniac dipwad being our president?  Of course I am.  Honestly, I don’t think Hillary would do much better, but this will be something to watch that’s for sure.

*Gets Popcorn & Prays*

He has definitely cornered the meme game.

toupee

 

That’s enough of that.  Oh wait, we have 4 more years.

God save us all.

Outside of that, I watched a toddler transform overnight into a grown man.  My son.  I love him with all of my heart but he is knee deep in teenagerdom.  I am currently embarrassing, stupid, too loud, crazy, embarrassing, clingy, overbearing and did I mention embarrassing?  This was the year when he literally started to look like a grown up. It is an amazing thing to witness.  It also makes me cry a little.  But this is part of what I signed up for.

collage

It should be noted these pictures are two and a half years apart.  The top photos are Easter 2014.  It is now Christmas 2016.  He is 6′ tall with a size 13 shoe.  In the top picture I am taller.  I am 5’6″ In 2.5 years he has grown 6 inches.  Mostly in the last 6 months.

I knew it was coming.  I was told.  But nothing could prepare me to realize that I have a man at my breakfast table.  Eating lucky charms.

I am also celebrating my 6th year of marriage.  Next year is 7 years. I have never been in a relationship this long.  We have been though so much and while marriage is not easy, I know that I am married to my best friend.  Do we argue? Yes.  Often? No.  We have our differences and we go through life’s hurdles like everyone else?  Of course.  Being married is easy.  Staying married is hard.  It is sacrifice and compromise.  It is tolerance and forgiveness.  It is love with frustration and patience with gratitude. At the end of the day I wouldn’t want to go through this crazy journey with anyone else.


#TeamCason

So many wonderful things have happened this year.  My Stephen not only joined the Navy but also got engaged to his Love Nicolette.  I am so proud of the man he is becoming right before my eyes. He was 13 when I first met him and he has become such an amazing man.  I almost typed young man, but that isn’t the case anymore.

He is 20.

*Sigh.

Also, Jillian has proven to be a force to be reckoned with.  She is amazing. She works, she starts Art Clubs, and Drama Clubs, she has all AP Classes, she is applying to college, and she still works on her art portfolio while baking up the yummiest things.  She is kicking ass and taking names.  I couldn’t be prouder.

j

And last but not ever least, Brett.  Brett has thrived in Middle School and is going out for the Track team.  He has straight A’s this semester and is growing into a handsome young man. Seriously, he is one good lookin kid.

b

My life is chaotic.  I work part time, I am staring a business, which by the way I am SO FRIGGIN EXCITED about.  More on that to come.

I am a mom, I am a wife, I am many things all day long.  I try and keep everyone happy and sane.  That’s my job.  Being able to write and explore my passions makes things crazier, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

At the end of the day, at the end of 2016, I am grateful.  Stressed, but grateful.  Thankful to have a hand in these kids lives. Thankful to have the opportunity to make sure their needs are met.  Thankful to watch them grow and thrive.  While also exploring my new ventures.

I hope that 2016, while insane, found you in Peace.  I hope you are going forward and not reflecting backwards.  I hope that for all of you, you have what I have.

Love.

That’s what makes the world go round.

 

 

As Always & Until 2017,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credits (In Order):
http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/990/005/721.jpg.
http://15858-presscdn-0-65.pagely.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/1-donald-trump-meme-get-in-pussy-making-america-great-again1.jpg..

 

So Many Balls

Again with the dirty minds…

I feel as if I have 4,822 balls in the air.

 

I have my normal part time job, I am starting a business with a friend, I am trying to write again, Christmas, Kids, Grocery Shopping, Flat tire, Fractured Rib…

I’m going to stop right there.

Let me explain.  I went to the doctor yesterday for this horrible pain in my side.  After my evaluation, she said I have either a separated muscle in my rib cage, or a fractured rib. When my PA asked how this could happen, I explained that a couple of weeks back, there was an entire week that I woke up coughing. Coughing and hacking as if I was trying to regurgitate Satan himself from my lungs. And one morning I felt a *pop.*  She looked me in the eye and said, “You’re going to need to come up with a better story than that.  That is the most boring way I have ever heard to break a rib.”

We decided that I am going to stick with either;  I was running into a burning building to save the elderly and some puppies and in my sheer determination to save lives I managed to break a rib.  Or she said, just blame it on a bar fight.  Anything but your boring cough.

She laughed, I laughed, then I screamed bloody murder with pain from the hot molten knife that was twisting in my side.

 

Good times.

Today is better.  But not great.  I still went to work, I still did laundry, I still cleaned up and I will still do all the things.  But I will not be doing anything strenuous in nature for the next two weeks.  So the bungee jumping extravaganza clearly needs to be rescheduled.

Bummer.

I am still hanging in there.

2016, you won’t take me alive!

As Always,
Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gif Credit: https://33.media.tumblr.com/17f4dd5253033ab8e551147f47a3f7f0/tumblr_mucmrbGaiY1shxe70o1_500.gif.

https://media.giphy.com/media/nxOaaHzTdDVSg/giphy.gif.

IRS Hangover

Part 1.- Kinda…

Recap, click above.

We were assigned a “Taxpayer Advocate” and were told that we did check one box on the “New HealthCare Credit” box incorrectly.  Which is fine.  Except it cut our return in half.  But that is fine too.

So, why did it take one woman, our Taxpayer Advocate, 4.6 minutes to figure this out but the IRS itself has had 118 days (and counting) and STILL isn’t sure what’s going on.

Whatever. It’s better than, “Well maam, you have to wait 6 weeks for us to not respond. Then send a letter saying we didn’t respond.  Then we have 9 weeks to review your letter and then respond.”

Wha….

Bite me.

IRS

So in light of all of this and some other sticky messy life things going on, I have decided to focus on my health.  (I really wish you could all see the look on my face as I eat this apple while typing.)

It is a snarl.  An actual snarl.

I have quit smoking, walked 2 miles this morning before 9am, and am going to stop filling my face hole with twinkie type products and buckets full of pasta.  I am currently marinating chicken boobies to grill up later and put over a salad. Yep, if I’m getting healthy, I’m taking the entire family with me.

I don’t have a weight goal per se.

I am trying to fix the problem area I can only describe as, “Chantix is killing my sleep so I am comfort eating while consuming massive amounts of caffeine and I feel like a 10 day old vat of unchanged grease at the Captain D’s.”

It’s like the Paleo diet but with less bragging.

Kale

So to recap:
No cigarettes
No junk food
No Sleep
No IRS Return

Wish me luck.

Or just wish I don’t murder someone (With my biting wit.) Yeah, that’s what I meant.

 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

Photo Credits
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/MjAxMy1iY2FhYWM1ZTBkYmM1MDQz.png.
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/73/f3/c4/73f3c4becea9c908c6eb9e5674561bc5.jpg.

 

My Love Affair. The IRS Version.

I am 38 years old.  I have been filing taxes since I was 17.  That is 21 years of tax love between me and the IRS.  If the IRS and I had a baby it would be of legal drinking age this year.  I have a feeling she would be a difficult child.

21

I would hope that child would get my sense of humor and the IRS’s knack for numbers.

I am trying to have a sense of humor regarding my taxes.  I am waiting on a sizable refund and short story long, we submitted 01/30/16.  They flagged us, then admitted it was their mistake, and said they would reprocess.  That takes me to today.  04/04/16.  Over 65 days since we filed.  I am making my weekly call as we speak.  Trying to understand, trying to be patient.

Trying

hurry

I am currently listening to the soothing sound of IRS hold music while trying as hard as I can to remember not to have a single SMIDGE of attitude towards whomever gets my call.  Because last person you want to piss off is the IRS.  Hell we didn’t even do anything incorrectly and our 3K is being held hostage.

Held just because…

Current time on Hold:  22 Minutes

Talking to a lovely woman (no sarcasm) but have again been placed on hold
Current time on Hold: 32 Minutes

This being my 4th call, we just found out that they had our wrong address.  Which is TOTES weird since, A. We filed with our current (new) address.  And B. I have made 4 other filth flarn and filth calls and this has NEVER come up.

I am trying so hard to let this go.  But, we never received a notification there was a problem (we still have a mail forward in, so we would have received it) we keep calling, being reassured it isn’t our fault.  And they’re working on it.

I have decided it has been placed upon the desk of a person I can only assume, unfortunately had a rather nasty attack of Shingles, and has been out of the office since 2/22/16.

desk
My return is in the 2nd stack to the left under the black folder.  I can see my name.

I swear it is lost.  None of this makes any sense.

I was just told there is NOTHING they can do.  They are allowed the 9 weeks to reprocess my return.  Even if it is their fault.  And if it still has no movement by 4/11 then they have 45 days to research.  Dear LORD give me patience and liquor.

Current time on Hold: 45 minutes

I was given a number for a “Taxpayer Advocate” number. Estimated wait time 2-4 minutes with the Advocate.

Score!!!

I will keep everyone updated.  All 3 followers I have left because I have been chilling with Netflix and my head in the sand for the last 6 months.

PS. “Love” and “The Ranch” were surprisingly good series on Netflix.  Give em a shot.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

 

 

Photo Credits:
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/29/88/e7/2988e7540ba1131c4c3db00fddef4340.jpg.
http://uberhumor.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/Untitled-1383.png.
https://i.ytimg.com/vi/qmt-o97hykk/hqdefault.jpg.

I’m an A-Hole.

No really.  I look back on September 11th and think about that day as we all do.  And I am reminded that I am an asshole.  Not intentionally, but still.

I was 7 months pregnant and working when I heard a co-worker say a plane had hit a building.  Now, considering 9/11 hadn’t happened I truly thought it was some little Cesna that clipped something.  I never thought anyone would be dead or that catastrophe would soon follow.  But either way the thing I did next still haunts me.

I laughed.

I still cringe thinking about this reaction. It was an asshole thing to do even if it was a little plan that clipped something.  But for some reason that was my reaction.

Then everything began to unfold and it was horrific and ungodly and I didn’t know how to process it.  I asked to go home from work but was denied.  I asked to go home because my husband had just gotten home from the end of his tour in the Army (by tour I mean end of his obligation, his 3 years.  He never went to a war zone and fought.)  But since he was still technically in the Army I just knew they would call him back.  I knew it in my heart of hearts.

When I finally did arrive home I woke him up and told him what happened and he began to make phone calls.  He packed his ruck sack and got ready to get the call.

I went to my room and wrote him a letter from his unborn son to put in that bag.  Telling him that no matter what happens he has his son and his wife waiting on him and that we are so very proud of him.

But I’m still an asshole.  I was still just worried about me.  I can say that it is because I didn’t know anyone effected by 9/11 directly.  I didn’t know anyone in NY or anyone who worked in the Pentagon.  I was only worried about me and that is an asshole thing to do.

But as the news sank in about all the lives lost about the bravery of men and women who rushed in to help and in turn gave their lives for others I wept.  I wept for about 24 hours straight.  They kept playing the footage of the plane crashing into the buildings over and over.  I cried imagining the fear they all must have felt, knowing this was it. Knowing they would never get a chance to say goodbye.  Knowing this was the end.

I share this because every year I have made a point to remember.  While my story sticks out in my mind, I also make sure and remember those who lost their lives in a cowardice act of terrorism.  All of those people and their friends and family who lost someone that day.  I commemorate this day each year because it deserves it.  Every year I am on this earth I will remember.  I will say a prayer for those who this day means loss and heartache and painful personal memories.  I will pray that they find peace and comfort.

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Crap.

I just deleted this entire post.  It was typed out and ready to go. 

It was crap.

Instead the truth.
I came here to say, that this blog and writing has been weighing heavily on my mind.  I hate I haven’t posted and am determined to do so more often.

I hope all of you are well and promise to bring crap free fun, asap. 

As Always,

Woman on Pause

Go Shorty

It’s my Birthday. Gonna party like it’s my Birthday.  Well actually, I plan on taking my son to Football practice and then curling up with a movie. 

Same thing right?  😉

Sorry I have been MIA but last week was a big old Bitch.  Not just because the kids went back to school and chaos ensued but there were some serious bumps in the road.  And whenever I go through major bumps it takes me around 72 hours to come out the other side. 

It is just my process. 

But, I have in fact come out the other side and feeling good.  I turn 37 today and while I thought for quite some time I was turning 38 (Who Does THAT?!?!) I am feeling really good in my skin.  I am not freaking out about 40 looming or any age.  I feel good.  And I have some things coming down the pike.  That gets me all excited as well.

I am merely checking in and hoping you all have a wonderful day.  After my 72 hour hurricane of constant thought and stress I showered, blow dried my hair, did my nails and WHATTTT… put on make up.  I decided that if I wanted to feel better during times of duress I needed to look the part.

And I took a picture.  Because frankly, it is rare to see me out of yoga pants and ponytails. And dammit I felt pretty.  The quality isn’t great but I am not good with the filters and the hashtags and all this new fangled crap on my phone.

And further proof I am not a 68 year old man who blogs in his underwear. 

Sarah 37
(As of this posting I am back in yoga pants.  It couldn’t last.) 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

Checkbooks, Glass, and Staples OH MY!

This is another one of those posts that I am just word vomiting all over the place to purge. Proceed with caution.

 

I have told my husband for the last 10 days it feels as if the Universe is poking me with a stick.

 

 photo poke.gif

 

I am not doing anything wrong to get the karma train to run me over. I am still doing normal stuff but the stuff coming back at me is very very icky.

First example. I tried to start our checkbook register. Wait, I know. You don’t have to tell me. We should have had this years ago. I know this. I was flat out phobic from doing it myself for years but we decided to give it a go. It is extraordinarily difficult to start a checkbook without knowing what your beginning balance is. But I did it.

Needless to say I was off by $120.00 and that blows hard. It feels like I lost it.  As if it were in my pocket and I dropped it in the Target parking lot.   I also know that I won’t TRULY know if I am on point until our statement comes out.  **Fingers Crossed**

*Sigh*

 

Then this happened.

NOOOOOOO

This is the glass piece to my french press.  I don’t own a coffee machine or a kuerig or what ever it is called.  I like my french press.  Now it is kaput.  And that gives me the sads.  Because I love coffee.  I really, really, love coffee.  So I ended up googling how to make it without a coffee maker.  And it was odd to say the least.  But it worked (OK I suppose) but I am still in mourning.

RIP – Giver of warm “Get up and get em” juice.

Then… Oh then….

My kids who are 12 and 9 love to play in our neighborhood.  They stay on this street and it is filled with kids.  So, they were quite bored the other day and I allowed them to go out for an hour or two.  They check in and I realize I still need to cook, so I say, “Go on out for another hour but in at 7:30pm for dinner.”

Ten minutes later my 12 year old runs in.  B is bleeding!!!  Now my 9 year old has scrapes all the time so I wasn’t concerned too much.  Until I hit the driveway and he says the following:

“He got hit in the head with a bat.”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT??????!?!?!?!”

I almost passed out.

 photo Hale.gif

 

I gather up the side of my skirt, kick off my shoes and run like I am being chased.  My athletic 12 year old couldn’t catch me.  I then see my 9 year old on all fours blood all over his face.  (And I MEAN ALL OVER IT.  Totally red.  Not a stream.  A RIVER of blood.)  And a pool of it on the concrete.
*I should note here when one sees their child like this they loose at LEAST 3 years off their life.  AT LEAST.

I proceed to look at the mom who had a towel on his head next to him as to say, “Is it as bad as it looks???”  She gives me a response look and shoulder shrug that unfortunately at this juncture she isn’t totally sure.

Oh Dear God.

I have her remove the towel an there is just blood everywhere.  I see the gash about an inch in the back crown part of the head.  I ask how many fingers am I holding up, etc. etc.  He gets it and seems coherent.  I ask if he lost consciousness.  She tells me no.  I scoop him up and off to the ER we go.

I drive fast and run lights.  I can’t breathe but trying to smile so neither child starts to freak out.

He is fine.  2 staples.  It was much more superficial than it seemed.  The blood made it look much worse.  No concussion he is gravy.

But damn.  I had a literal adrenaline headache for 3 hours after we got back.  It hurt.

 

There is a laundry list of things that have taken a turn like this.  It seems to just keep happening.  Every other day or so.

Poke

Poke

Poke

I don’t know if Mercury is in retrograde or if I lost some sort of karmic lottery I didn’t know I entered or what the deal is.

But I am just going to put my head down and try and push past this icky cosmic goo and hope it is just temporary.

Because one of these days I am going to poke back.  And Lord help anyone if it comes to that.

😉

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit:
http://media2.giphy.com/media/MuyiRP751nq2A/giphy.gif.
http://media1.giphy.com/media/XeMp0onMZQZgY/giphy.gif.

Brain Soup

This is my brain right now.
 photo brain.gif

While this may seem a bit extreme it is kind of true.  (And truth be told I have loved this gif since the beginning of time and use it as often as possible.)

I am trying to negotiate with said brain on how to get back on track.  I spent the last two months doing nothing and it made me feel icky.

I am the kind of person who can’t sit still for more than fifteen minutes.  Two months kinda messed with my brain a bit.

So I did all the things.  And as my last post stated, it is still too soon to do all the things.  I have to find a happy medium.

So I am going back to writing.  I can’t sit for long periods of time either (hip not ADHD) but I have to start to do SOMETHING.

I was texting with a friend about trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and upcoming classes I will be taking and I mentioned I didn’t feel passionate about much of anything right now.

And she said, “You do about writing.  And you are good at it.”

I don’t know about the end part, but it reignited a flame that I had blown out about a month before surgery.

So I am committing.  And making that choice has made me now feel like this.

Mighty_mouse_small

 

And that is a good thing.

More to come…

 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

 

 

 

Photo Credit:  http://i1098.photobucket.com/albums/g373/paxpinnae/COMEDY-2.gif.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_k9mUv3KvFh0/SDOxoRPDSnI/AAAAAAAAAl8/n_gWqldPyRY/s320/Mighty_mouse_small.jpg.