I mean it. I am never ever using that damned service again. EVER.
What had happend was, I took my step kids back home this past Sunday. They live on the outskirts of Orlando. I know how to get to Orlando. I-95 to I-4. I have driven it 50 times. I’ve got this.
But they live a bit outside of any area I have been in. I put their address into Google maps and the way there was a breeze. I made record time. Two hours and twenty five minutes. I was stoked.
In their driveway I put in my town’s name and I let it direct me out.
*I should add here, I am directionally challenged. I would get lost in a brown paper bag if it weren’t for GPS. I couldn’t tell you right now where North is. When God gave that skill out I was too busy in the Sarcasm department to get mine.
This got me here, so this should get me home too right?
So, I start to follow the directions it gives me. I had gone the back way to I-4 once before, the last time I dropped them off and ironically thought, “The scenic route out may be nice….”
I am turning here, turning there. It is a pretty rural area, so I wasn’t too concerned until…
I entered Ocala National Forrest. What the fuck.
I am pretty damned sure this isn’t where I am suppose to be.
No problem. I wait to find a store to pull into and zoom out on my map to find out where Google Maps has sent me this time.
There is no store in the Ocala National Forrest. FYI.
No where to stop. Unless I pull over and I didn’t want to do that. So I keep driving.
Finally I find that I am in an interesting little area called, Astor, FL.
I was born in Florida. Lived and traveled here for no less than 33 years. I have never EVER heard of ASTOR, FL.
Welcome to Astor!
Sure thing. Whatever. I am thinking, no worries, as long as I can check my phone. I am at the one stop light I come across and try and switch to my map.
The phone dies.
It was plugged in, how can this be?!?! And it gave me a weird, “Android System Screw you if you’re lost you have a system failure. Have fun with this shit.” message.
I keep driving thinking, well, I will keep it in the charger then re-boot it.
Twenty minutes later and I am officially freaked out. I remembered it said to turn onto 115 before it died, so as I am frantically clicking the power button on my phone to no avail, I hit 115. I turned right. It said right, right??
I turn right.
Wait. I do know enough to know I should NOT be going SOUTH.
So I decide to turn around.
There is NO WHERE to turn around.
God is officially laughing his ass off at me right now. I mean a good belly laugh. Like, he can’t breathe and as asking me to please stop, the hilarity is too much to handle.
I find a place to turn around six or sixty miles later and do so. I then go North.
Then my poor phone finally boots back up.
This little “Scenic route” detour has taken me an hour and a half.
The route in Red is what I ended up driving. Other than getting onto 1-4 and onto 1-95.
What I found most interesting is when I finally found I-95 I was so relieved.
Then I got onto the highway.
Remember, this is the Sunday after Thanksgiving, going NORTH in FL.
Everyone from GA to Maine was visiting their retired relatives in FL for Thanksgiving and in turn heading home back North.
It went a little like this…
So maybe Google Maps isn’t the biggest asshole program ever? Maybe it saved me from sitting on the Highway for 6 hours.
Nah, F*@k Google maps, it took me through a forest. Serial killers live there. Everyone knows that…
Oh, Happy Holidays.
Woman on Pause
PS. I am sure Astor is a lovely place. But when I arrived I was more freaked out than Mel Gibson in a Synagogue. I hope again to visit because they had this awesome flea market type thing with 80000 whirligigs in the front. And I want to be where that many whirligigs live.
The maps I got, ironically from Google Maps. The artwork is mine. See, I do research and work for these blogs. I swear it. 😉