MEN o PAUSE

Menopause. 

My name.  Woman on PAUSE  I came up with it due to Menopause.  I hit it early. 

I hit Menopause at 29.  Technically “Premature Ovarian Failure.”

For all of you ladies out there, I can explain menopause in the following bullet points.

  • God Hates Woman
  • Hot Flashes:  Being reminded of summer (in Summer) gentle winds of heat roll over you from the inside like an oven opened and then your face and chest submerged at 550 degrees.  Turned every hour.  Must baste in own sweat. 
  • You fan yourself with anything you can find.  Paper, magazines, mailmen, dogs, lemurs, fences…
  • Night Sweats: Sleeping calmly and having a dream where you are dipped in hot oil.  Waking to find that the dream was better than the sweat driven insanity you are in at that very moment.
  • Having an emotional roller coaster that envies Disney Tea Cups while on fire.
  • The only plus, No periods.  But because you are so young you assume you MUST be pregnant and spend $485 dollars a year on pregnancy tests.
  • Googling menopausal pillows while yet to get a grey hair.
  • God Hates Women.

 

There are literally a thousand other items I can list here, but these hit on the core of the hell that is menopause.  I am Post Menopausal, if Post means, 8+ years with no end in sight.  God bless those still pre-menopausal.  Enjoy the ride. 

 

Lesson today, don’t get old.  The benefit resides only in the fact that you can now avoid the baby/tampon/feminine isle.

I have the body of an 80 year old.  Please try and contain your jealousy.

0000011111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111 <————  This was from my cat sitting on my mouse.  You become a crazy cat lady as well.  They sense your failing fertility.  They dig it. 

As Always,

 

Woman on Pause

16 thoughts on “MEN o PAUSE

  1. I’m sorry you have it rough – I’m post and have been for a few years – once in a blue moon I get a mild hot flash or night sweats – but I’ve had it fairly easy. Of course, the mood swings probably weren’t pleasant for anyone living with me though. But mine was fairly symptom free

  2. I know someone who’s going through this right now. My mom. How can I best be supportive? Any resources, words of wisdom you can offer would be greatly appreciated. Seriously—anything.

    • Tell her she isn’t crazy. I felt legitimately crazy. Hormones are a great/horrendous thing. 2. Recommend or get her a cooling pillow. 3. Try soy supplements before hrt. 4. HRT isn’t that bad if it comes to it. Tell her to not be hard on herself. Eventually it will pass. Sometimes soon sometimes not. But it will pass. Oh and a fan. Get a fan. Good luck to her!!!

      • Thank you! I want to help her feel supported but everything I say seems to make her angry. So I usually just agree with whatever she says.

        (Off to go fan-shopping.)

  3. Until she levels out hormonally everything will make her angry. The air, her coffee, a ringing phone, the TV, hangers (I HATED HANGERS banged them on the dryer until they broke) anything and everything.

    But once she levels out, it is just a pain in the ass!

    Good luck!

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