Black and White

I used to dream in black and white.

Image

I read that this is normal.

All of my dreams, at least the one’s I recall, are all dark and frankly scary.  I have been woken up from bad dreams my entire life.

I rarely dream about my children, and when I do they are lost, and I am desperate to find them.

I never dream of my husband, not in person.  I know he exists, but I never see him.

Last night I fell asleep on the couch, I had a sick little one and wanted to hear if there was any distress in the night.

I couldn’t sleep.  Pain from my hip had me flipping channels until I just couldn’t stay awake any longer.

I woke and looked to my left to see a woman on the end of my couch with her head in her hands.  All I could see was her hair, and that she was curled up in a ball. Rocking ever so slightly back and forth.

head in hands

I looked up at her, and immediately I felt the air change.  It was similar to being close to a lightning bolt, where you can smell the ozone, and the air feels thick.

She whimpered, “My head, it hurts so badly.” And she made fists in her hair.

I told her, “Oh God, I can feel it in the air.”

As soon as the words escaped my mouth, I felt it coming.

It was coming fast.

I didn’t know exactly what it was, but I knew this wasn’t the first time this had happened.  My immediate response wasn’t fear but anger.

This was a 2nd, 3rd, or 8th visit.

I had just forgotten the other one’s until that moment.

When the thick air surrounded me, I grabbed my head and put it in my hands, began to rock slowly.

I slowly mumbled, “Fuck you, Fuck YOU, FUCK YOU,” waiting on it to pass, to leave me. The mumble became a scream, and the fear was debilitating.  But the anger was right at the very end of the fear.

Then I woke up.

In the exact same spot, head in hands.  Where just moments ago in my dream I was being accosted by something or someone.

This dream was in color.

The next morning my son woke up, I took his temperature and he looked at me stone faced and said, “I had the weirdest dream.”  I couldn’t speak.  I didn’t want to know he dreamed what I dreamed.

I was just as scared at that moment as I was when I woke up from that dream.

*This Actually friggin happened 2 nights ago.  Still scares the ever loving SHIT out of me.  Even to think about it.

I knew immediately I had to write about it.  Because being scared and scaring others is what gets my blood pumping.

Taking a new turn,

Woman on Pause

Photo Credits:

http://www.vsaggiomo.com/w/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/tem16.png

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/–gstBVkEr64/TjBwD59VYLI/AAAAAAAAAQk/4ZDAcmeacFM/s400/brunette+crying%252C+head+in+hands_2.jpg

3 thoughts on “Black and White

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