Bling – The Nightmare

I have a screened in back porch that I consider my sanctuary. I can enjoy being outside in the fresh air outside of the house without actually having to deal with nature’s ugly side. 

I live in Florida and that can include but is not limited to: 

  • Mosquitos
  • Fireflies
  • Roaches
  • Ferrell Cats
  • Spiders
  • Lizards
  • Frogs
  • Centipedes (These always get through)
  • Small Deer
  • Stink Bugs
  • Skinks
  • Random Murderous Woods dwelling killers

I really enjoy my back porch.  Lots. 

Last night I found this on my back porch.

Can you see the Bling??  Oh no wait, those are all of the EYES……..

I apologize for the poor photo quality, but once I got my tripod out and my correct lens chosen and put on the thing just wouldn’t sit still for its portrait.

Oh, no wait, I was freaking the HELL out.  So it was a shaky cell pic.

I call my stepson out and point and jump and yell, “KILL IT KILLIT KILLLLLLLLLITTTTTTTTTTTTT” and hand him my flip flop.

He then informs me this won’t do.  It has a million babies on its back and if he slaps it, they will scatter.  After I got done vomiting we counseled on the best approach.

He asked for any Aerosol spray can, grabbed the grill lighter and tried to flame throw it off the porch.

*Important to note here, Febreeze Air effects air freshener is not an effective tool for this.  Just FYI.  Pam seemed to have worked well enough.

It skittered away under the porch door, as we couldn’t get the flame set to “Kill the hell beast.”

So I am skeeved, I post it on facebook.  An interesting evening. 

I sit back down, and decide it is about time to go to bed, just one more web page to look at.  I look down, and it came back.  IT CAME BACK.  Why would it do that??!?!?!?!

So I go back in the house hand him the flip flop and give a very direct order, KILLLLLL IT NOW.  So he sprays it with hairspray, another flame thrower option we tried out, and smacks the hell out of it. 

I grab old mail and gather it up and throw it out of the door.

Good riddance you blinged out eight legged creature of satan.

So this morning, I am back on said porch with a cup of coffee feeling pretty good about our lack-o-spiders, taking a moment to chill before I have to go back out and pick up the 11 year old from practice.

I look down,

There is a baby spider on my shirt.

I text hubs, “That’s it, we have to move.”


I swear I can feel them in my hair.

Happy Tuesday!

As always,

Woman on Pause

2 thoughts on “Bling – The Nightmare

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