Millions of choices are made every day.  These choices can be insignificant or worldly.  The only real decision we do not make each day is to have our heart beat and our lungs take hundreds of breaths.  The only automatic guarantee in life is the beat and the breath.  Until one day those given actions are ripped away. Then it doesn’t matter what choice you make.  As women have a specific number of eggs their body is willing to produce in one lifetime, we have an unknown amount of breaths and beats within our body. 

That is the easy part.  When put on auto pilot and no mental or physical effort is necessary life is good.  It is when the option is given; the free will of man is exercised the mess unwinds before us. 
People die to provide Americans with the privilege of free will.  When an American wakes each day he is allowed to pray or not pray.  He may light a candle and chant, pray to Satan, or just decided to forego it all and light a cigarette with his coffee.

Freewill, while it defines us as Americans, is also the chokehold on our society.  Not because we do not deserve it.  Not because freewill itself is a burden.  It is the fact that we as human beings have to learn how to use it within the limited amount of tick tocks left in our body.  We have more options, choices, freedoms, Avenues, venues, genres, belief systems, Pandora Stations, than anyone before us. 

Yet we are a society plagued with stress and violence.  I ask why.  And then I answer my question with, “Free will.”  Please put aside your outrage and possible feelings of your own violence towards me for just a moment.  Don’t take it away.  I need it.  It feeds my every breathe.  We as a society are not falling apart dying of heart attacks at twenty-five begging subconsciously for someone to control us, make those decisions for us.  We are pleading on subconscious knee to learn how to do it on our own. I was never taught how to make a decision.  I take that back, “Pro’s and Con’s” and Make a list.  Those were the only two things that were taught.  I was told what would happen in each scenario if I didn’t make the right decision in specific circumstances, but not how to make them on my own.

I am not even sure how to pick a candidate. 

And I don’t want that right taken from me, but each election I feel like a fraud voting.  I can, I am supposed to, but I never feel satisfied, no matter how much research on a candidate or issue that I have made the correct decision. 

That could be due in part to a corrupt political system, but I think just a part.  It comes back to my insecurity on my handling of my free will.

I could walk out of the building I am in right now.  But I know that if I do that I will lose my job and the income that supports my family.  That is the easy part.  At some point in my life I made a decision that landed me here.  Where I don’t want to be.  Doing something I don’t want to do. 

So how great did I deal with my free will?  Not very well.  Responsible, yes.  But when it comes down to brass tax what is best for me and my life I chose incorrectly. 

My new goal in life is to learn how to manage my decisions and maneuver my free will to allow me to drive it and not let it drive me.  I have had outfits that wore me, and outfits I wore.   I want my life to be an outfit I wear.   Not be a life that just wears me. 


 Heartbeats this post – 2,625 beats doing exactly what I wanted to do. A great start.

As always,

Woman on Pause











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